Keys

Do keys multiply on their own? I know when I was younger I had maybe five keys on my key-chain. It's not really something you think about, you pull out your keys to start your vehicle or to get into your house, and that's about it. Then a young guy at work showed my the key to his new car and I couldn't help but notice that he had a grand total of three keys on his key-fob. My key-chain weighs about three pounds these days (now that I am less young) and that is not even counting my spare key-chain with all the keys I don't use very much. The thing is that I don't remember adding keys to my chain, but I know that I need them all. I just thought it was kind of weird. I wonder if I'll be old enough one day that I'll need to wear two pairs of pants just so I can carry around all my keys.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Red Eye for the late guy

The "ridiculous" Greg Gutfeld

I, along with tens if not millions of others, had never heard of a television show called Red Eye, which is a very, very late-night (or very, very early-morning) show broadcast on the Fox News Channel, until host Greg Gutfeld and his panelists made some ill-informed (or "stupid") comments about the Canadian military. Since this made the news north of the 49th it is probable that Red Eye is still widely unknown in the US, which is hardly surprising at all. Red Eye has been described as a show that covers a wide variety of topics including, but not limited to; news, sports, gossip and entertainment, doing so in a way host Gutfeld describes as "satirical" and they address topics "in a lightheared, humorous and ridiculous manner". It sounds like this is Fox's very own version of Comedy Central's Daily Show, except without being funny.

The show in question started with Gutfeld commenting on Canadian Lt-General Andrew Leslie saying that the Canadian military may need up to a year to recover after the mission in Afghanistan ends. Ok, we can all see the humour potential in that, and even without being disrespecful for the Canadian soldiers who have died. The Canadian army has to kick back for a year and down a couple of beers. All right, ho, ho, ho, and we are done. Gutfeld's actual comment was, "the Canadian military wants to take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants." Wordily unfunny so it might be time to invest in some new writers, but to each his own and Gutfeld has his own television show and I don't, so I could be wrong, but I don't think so. It's too bad that he didn't have the sense to shake his head and stop talking at this point but he had to carry on and say, "Isn't this the perfect time to invade this ridiculous country? They have no army." I get it, it's like a riff on the Manifest Destiny thing. Very funny.

I wonder if this "humorous" and "ridiculous" show has done much on the US military effort in Iraq? You know, poke some good-natured fun at the average US soldier. Raise moral a bit. When Senator John McCain went to a market in Baghdad and said he felt perfectly safe in being there (while surrounded by US soldiers, air-covered by attack helicopters and wearing a bullet-proof vest) the Red Eye crew must have had a hay-day with that visual. I'm sorry I missed it. An even funnier point, and I am sure that the Red Eye bunch covered it, is that the invasion of Afghanistan was because Ossama Bin Laden (the guy who planned the 9/11 attacks) was hiding there and the Afghan leaders, the Taliban, wouldn't turn him over to the US for trial. Canada, as an ally of the US, joined the invasion of Afghanistan and then, for some reason, the US administration took their eyes off the ball and sent the US military into Iraq, which had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks. Red Eye must have been all over that story, right? Right?

Another odd thing is that one of the panelists on Red Eye, the "comedian" Doug Benson, blurted out, "I didn't even know they were in the war." It's good to see that these guys are keeping up, at least to Fox News Channel's usual standards (one unfortunate aspect of this deal is that the "comedian" [Doug Benson] had a gig cancelled in Edmonton [that's in Canada] at the West Edmonton Mall. There was fear that an outraged audience member would waste a beer by tossing it on Benson. Bummer. Canada's loss I guess.) You see, Canada has been "in the war" since day one. I guess it is a bit much to expect a "comedian" to keep up with or to understand that sort of thing.

So, I have never seen Red Eye, I will never see Red Eye (of course Fox helps by putting it on the air at 0300 hrs) and I don't think I'm missing anything. Unfortunately the "ugly American" thing is nothing new.

Anyway... Humouroceros

"Comedian" Doug Benson.
Look, he's pretending to smoke marijuana joints!
What a funny guy.
It's like Foster Brooks with dope.

NO SMOKING!

I was just minding my own business, cruising down the information super-highway (top down and hair waving in the wind) and I noticed a headline on CBC.ca out of Vancouver, British Columbia, to wit: "Undercover officer alleges XXX activity at porno theatre". Now that is the sort of headline that just jumps off the screen and pokes you right in the old curiosity button. Personally I have never been in a porno theatre but I would have assumed that some sort of "XXX activity" went on in those types of places. Anyway, I pulled the article up, meaning the headline did it's job I guess.

It was a mildly interesting story, if you are interested in that sort of thing. My favourite part of the article was, "the officer witnessed sex acts, puddles of body fluids and excrement, and even patrons smoking." I mean, "even patrons smoking"? So the rest of that stuff is to be expected, but smoking is crossing the line? Okay, I'll stay boring. It's easier.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The teleprompter connection

I hear that the latest rumpus amongst the right-wing loud-mouths living south of the 49th is that President Obama uses a teleprompter when he gives speeches. It's nice to see that these guys have finally caught on. That's nice. The thing is that every President since Nixon has used a teleprompter of some sort or other. In fact, it is what the kids call "old school". Of course for right-wing loud-mouths who are stuck in the 1950s using something as new-fangled as a teleprompter would be like cheating while speechifying. Notes are okay, but no electronic gadgets.

I suspect that expecting anything else from the far right-wing would be expecting too much. The former President (Dubbya) could have killed cats on the White House lawn and drank their blood, and he still would have been a hero (this is the same guy who's administration blamed the sailors of the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln for the infamous "Mission Accomplished" banner. It's a sign of the time I guess, it used to be 'the buck stops here' for the Commander-In-Chief but for George W it was 'the buck stops there'.) The current President could solve the world-wide economic crisis, build a better mouse-trap, and walk on water, and the far right-wing would still try to poison the water.

Of course reading on the Internet I have to wonder just how clever most of those guys are anyway. Here are some examples of right-wing wit I found while surfing the information super-hiway: Nobama, Obumma, Obama Bin Laden, Obama Osama, and then the extra witty, Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama bin Laden (man, I wish I was joking about this). Yes, five-year-olds are shaking thier heads in wonder across the United States. Well done guys. At least you are taking the future of your country seriously and not being childish.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Ron Reagan, using a teleprompter

Senator John McCain, using a teleprompter

President George W Bush, abusing a teleprompter

Bill O'Reilly (right-wing loud-mouth) in a spat with a teleprompter
(Look it up on YouTube, it's really funny)

Harry Potter vs religious loonies

The religious loonies have long been against the Harry Potter series of books because they, apparently, will cause the youth of today to turn to.... EVIL!!!! Yeah, I laugh at it too, but this sort of silliness has been going on for a lot of years now. I have been ignoring it, mainly because I do ignore anything said by dumb people, but then I found this comic on the internet called "The Nervous Witch" by Jack T. Chick (who is probably not crazier than a hammer wearing a pink dress) and frankly, it turned me away from my wicked ways. Yes, I have read the Harry Potter series, twice, and I could feel the evil (sorry) the EVIL working it's way into my inner bits, except for the 'tarot cards' and the 'ouija' board things, which are not in the books. JC, if I can call him that since he reminds me so much of that other 'JC" (and I don't mean Johnny Carson), has pranced out into the lead of the anti-Harry Potter crowd with this comic, or 'tract'. The points he has to make are so blunt and clear that for me to point them out would only be redumbdant, and I don't want to be that, oh no. So thanks there Chick. I'm on it.

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: Here are some screen shots from "The Nervous Witch"

Here is the evil mom driving home. Notice how she doesn't care about other people on the road and is selfishly talking on her cell-phone as she drives. I guess if a few accidents have to happen so she can talk on the phone while driving then that is just how it will have to be.

Here is Uncle Bob getting all weak-kneed and giddy at the thought of millions of children burning in Hell. I have to wonder just what sort of evil god Bob worships that would send children to Hell for reading a book, or even a series of books. You go Bob. I don't think I would let any kids of mine spend any time alone with this guy.

Big thanks to Chick since I used these pictures from his 'tract'.

TEH

I have read that spelling 'teh' for 'the' is a common keyboarding error in the age of computers. I know I do it myself often enough but was surprised to find that other people did it as well, so of course I started to wonder; the QWERTY keyboard has been around for ages so is this an error that has been happening since 'back in the day'? Or, since people can type faster on the computer keyboard than they ever could on a manual or even electric keyboard, is this just an error due to the electronic/digital age we live in now? Just wondering.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The 60-foot unit

Word from the BBC (aka: the British Broadcasting Corporation out of Eng-er-lund) is that some poor little 18-year-old dwark from Berkshire painted a 60-foot "phallus" of the roof of his parents mansion. It took his parents a year to notice what their precious little tyke had gotten up to, and what is his punishment to be? Well when he gets back from "travelling" he will have to scrub it off.

Well, yes, and far be it from me to suggest that this kid is a spoiled little brat with a male-genitalia fixation, but I think if I were the kids parent the punishment might have been a little more punishment-like. Here's a thought; why not cancel the little mutts trip? Tell him, "get home, now" and make him pay for it. Then maybe cancel his cell-phone and his ATM card and then take away that car you gave him for being such a special little fella. Then maybe make him get a job to burn off some of that excess energy he seems to have. Oh yeah, and he would still have to scrub that unit off the roof. Poor little rich boy.

Anyway... Humouroceros

This is the shiznit

Just found this on the information-superhighway: the hottest new letter emoticon is XD. It's like LOL except way cooler. Now generally I don't use emoticons and I won't be using this one either but I just thought it should be out there. You know, for general consumption.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Evolution 101

I have heard it said that some folks who don’t believe in the theory of evolution use the argument, “if we evolved from apes, why are there still apes?” The smarter cousin to this question is, “if I came from my parents, why do I still have parents?” The point is that nobody who actually has the slightest understanding of the theory of evolution would ever say that humans evolved from apes. Apes and humans (or ‘humans and apes’ if you prefer) both evolved from a common ancestor, thus making us distant cousins. I have heard that some televangelists saying they didn’t come from no monkey, and I have to agree. Televangelists are closer related to lizards than they are to mammals.

I just figured we should get that straight. You know, just eliminating the arguments. I am, after all, Canadian.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Lobster sandwich

In the current economy the luxury food item industry is being hit pretty hard. Sales of lobster (argueably a luxury item) have dropped off significantly and in the particular case of lobster, federal and the provincial government departments are considering "re-branding" the product.

MP Greg Kerr (Conservative - West Nova) pointed out that the price of lobster has recently been as low as that of balogna (a well known food-substitute) and as such it should be considered as an everyday sort of food. He also pointed out superior food value of lobster vs balogna, which is quite true (duh!) It has to be admitted though, it's a lot tougher to ram a lobster between a couple of slices of bread than it is to make a balogna sandwich. Lobsters fight more and they have those big claws. So it's a good idea, it just needs some work. I'll let the smart guys back east figure out all the details.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The new journalism

I took a spare moment to surf the 'net today and as I was hanging-ten on msn.com I notice that there was an article entitled, "New photo reveals an elderly Charles Manson". Apparently the 74-year-old Manson is "elderly". I wonder if this is some new style of journalism; stating the frigging obvious.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Pope a dope

The Catholic church has taken another huge step into the dark ages via the flapping lips of Pope Benedict XVI. Big Ben had been pried out of whatever Vatican mausoleum he is usually stored in and sent off on a pilgrimage of Africa (a continent, by the way, that's population is being decimated by HIV/AIDS.) Unfortunately he took with him the Vatican mind-set and said, condoms were not the answer to Africa's fight against HIV, and that condoms, "increase the problem." Well done there, Pope. I mean, if you're going to say something stupid, say something really stupid.

Now, are condoms the only answer to stopping the spread of HIV/AIDS? No, abstinence works best, but a lot of people are just not going to abstain from sex (my proof? The entirety of human history. People want to have sex and are going to have sex, so pretending that it isn't going to happen is just going to get people killed. If the Catholic church is going to get all moral and "high on their horse" about it then maybe they should take little closer look at their own history first.) It doesn't seem to me that cutting out something that saves lives merely because of some outdated belief system is stupid, verging on criminally stupid.

Of course the Vatican has never really shied away from stupid, the recent de-excommunication of the holocaust-denier, Bishop Dick Williamson being only one example. This is also something to keep in mind when Benny also said that he intended to call for "international solidarity" for Africa during the currently raging world-wide economic melt-down. He admits that the church doesn't actually have any specific economic solutions, it does however have some "spiritual and moral" suggestions. Given what some of the Catholic church's "spiritual and moral" actions have actually been (excommunicating doctors who save children, supporting child-molesters, believing that the washing-machine is the greatest advance in women's liberation in the 20th Century) I think that I'll pass, as I suspect will the international financial community. This is a good thing though as the international financial community has enough bad habits as it is.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Bonus entitlement (from the tax-payer teat)

The big news in the financial sector this past while has been financial institutions on Wall Street receiving government (IE: tax-payer) money and then paying bonuses with it. The best way I have seen it expressed was; the taxes paid by someone working a minimum wage job are being used to pay multi-million dollar bonuses for people who work for companies that do so well that they need a government bailout. That sounds about right. Of course the obvious question is, if these companies are doing so bad that they needed government bailout money to keep going, why are they handing out bonuses at all?

The thing is that there are financial institutions on Wall Street who do not need a bailout cheque. They didn't take stupid risks and it looks as though their experts actually had some expertise, and they invested money wisely. These people have earned bonuses, and obviously since there is no government money involved, how and how much they hand out as bonuses is entirely up to them. I think that is called 'free enterprise', and more power to them.

But what about the companies that have their hands out for government, uh, hand-outs? The most recent one to his the news is American International Group (AIG) which received $170-billion in tax-payer money. Apparently the AIG managers became giddy when the scored so big that they started handing out multi-million dollar bonuses, which all totaled will come to somewhere between $165-million and $450-million. This is some pretty decent coin for doing a bad job and almost toasting the world economy. AIG claims that the are legally obligated to pay the bonuses, which I found to be interesting. I believe that traditionally bonuses were to encourage people to do a good job. Well isn't that all quaintly outdated and everything. These days it would appear that people are entitled to a bonus whether they do a good job or not. Good work if you can get it.

I wonder if, since with these huge companies merit and ability don't really matter any more, what is the incentive to do your best? Drink like a fish, dance like a three-legged cow, and lose billions of dollars and still get a wicked huge bonus? You know, that might explain why the economy is tanking like it is. Thanks guys. Good effort.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Rush is a dink

I just saw on the Internet that radio-monkey, Rush Limbaugh, would like to “debate” the President of the United States, Barrack Obama. Well golly, Rush, I’m sure you would, but let’s see; the leader of the free world versus…. you, the leader of the “ditto-heads” (as your followers so cleverly call themselves.) Right. Good one, Rush. Then after that he should debate Bozo the clown and Poopy the dancing gorilla.

Rush, and I say this for your own good, you already look like a sweat-drenched nimrod. Why do you have this pathological need to make yourself look even worse? Is if because for some reason you just don’t think you can make yourself look worse? Wrong again, Rush. You look worse. Keep up the good work.

Anyway… Humouroceros

PS: I just thought of something; Let's say President Obama was totally bored one day and decided to take Rush-monkey up on the debate thing. That would make Rush the new White House bitch.

God's love

The news out of the Roman Catholic world just keeps getting sicker and sicker. Recently it hit the news that a 9-year-old girl in Brazil had spent the last three years being molested by her step-father. She became pregnant, which was discovered when her mother took her to see a doctor because she wasn’t feeling well. The girl’s life was at risk because of the pregnancy (she was nine-years-old remember) and so with the girl’s mother’s permission, the pregnancy was terminated (the girl was carrying twins.) She had an abortion, at nine-years of age, because some piece of garbage had been raping her for three years. The regional archbishop, Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, stepped forward and pronounced that the girl’s mother and the doctors who carried out the abortion would all be excommunicated as they had broken “God’s law”. The rapist had only broken man’s law, and since (as per the archbishop), “God’s law is above human law”, the rapist would not be expelled from the church.

Of course anybody who has the slightest bit of compassion was nauseated and disgusted by this story. What sort of backwards belief system is it that punishes the people who were working to save the life of a little girl (yes I understand that it was at the expense of the lives of the girl’s two unborn children, but sometimes life is like that. It’s not always a choice between good and evil, sometimes it’s between evil and slightly-less-evil) and the creep who raped her is allowed to stay in the church? When I first heard of this story I figured the Vatican would step in and bitch-slap archbishop Sobrinho for being stupid and a pig. I was wrong.

Cardinal Giocanni Battista Re, who is the head of the Catholic Church’s Congregation of Bishops as well as being the head of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, said, “It is a sad case, but the real problem is that the twins conceived were two innocent persons, who had the right to live and could not be eliminated. Life must always be protected, the attack on the Brazilian church is unjustified.” Unjustified? Pointing out that punishing people for doing the best thing possible in a bad situation is wrong is “unjustified”? The little girl involved, didn’t she have a right to live a life where she wasn’t being raped from the age of six? Get a grip there, Cardinal, because actually the real problem is that once again the church is putting dogma ahead of people. A little girl was raped repeatedly over three years? Well she had better put her life at risk to have any children produced by those rapes because the bible says so. Right, don't bother to think of the little girl or anything, it's god's will. Oh, and the freak that was raping the little girl all those years? He's okay. The church accepts him. Nice.

The church has once again shown that it is completely out of touch with what can only be called common decency. Some freak of an old man spewing out some crap like, “God’s law is above human law,” to defend punishing people who were doing their best is sick. So three people should have died and that would have been a good thing according to church teaching and “God’s law”? That would explain the widespread popularity of child-molesting among the Catholic clergy, and it also explains why the church leaders never did anything about the priests who were raping children. Let them have their fun, right? God’s love, I guess.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Chubbo a wimpo

Known drug-abuser and hypocrite, Rush Limbaugh, went all full-on hussy-fit when the chairman of the Republican party called him “an entertainer”. Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele was responding to some of Rush’s usual babblings, calling his ranting “incendiary” and “ugly” (Rush had been saying that he hopes that President Obama fails in his plans to save the US economy, preventing pain and destitution for millions of US citizens across the United States. This must be that “compassionate Conservatism” we used to hear about. Good on ya, Rush). Rush of course could not let that stand and in a speech of Castro-esque length went on the attack. It was obvious, Rush said, that Chairman Steele must support the President and is therefore hoping that the President’s plan succeeds (it is apparent that Rush has some issues with the whole ‘supporting-the-President-thing. Democracy’s a bitch, ain’t it Rush?)

Now we get to the real unfortunate part of this whole deal. Instead of ignoring Rush, as the annoying gasbag that he is, Republican Chairman Steele apologized. I couldn’t believe it. The Chairman of the Republican party of the United States, a party that feels that it is capable of leading the last remaining superpower, is begging forgiveness from a guy who talks on the radio for a living. A guy who is so sure of himself and his beliefs that he has never quite had the guts to run for public office of any kind. A “family-values” kind of guy who is flat out incapable of maintaining a marriage. A guy who felt quite manly calling the 13-year-old daughter of President Clinton “the new White House dog” (more of those “family values” I guess). A guy who said, “if people are violating the law buy doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up”, yet when he was caught doing drugs, well, he was never “sent up”. And the Republican party apologized to this guy?!

I’m thinking that the ironically named Michael Steele should consider changing his last name to something a little more appropriate, like “Spineless” or maybe “Candy-ass”. Something along those lines. This situation is especially unfortunate as Michael Steele has run for and been elected to political office. He was elected Lieutenant-governor of Maryland, and was elected chairman of the Republican Party. In other words, he has “been there, done that” and for him to feel that he has to apologize to the likes of Rush Limbaugh is at best, disappointing.

What is even more disappointing is that while Mikey was busy licking Rush’s velcro sneakers, he also called Rush a “conservative leader”. Conservative loud-mouth, perhaps. The only thing that Rush Limbaugh is leader of is a bunch of people who actually call themselves “ditto-heads”. I mean, ditto-heads for Pete’s sake. Why think when you can just yelp out “ditto” every time your leader pushes the right button. This is what the conservative movement south of the 49th wants as a leader (or as followers if it comes to that). Yeah, good luck with that. It looks like the conservatives have even further to go to join the modern world than they think.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Great big Rush L. Doing his third favorite thing he does with his mouth. His second favorite thing he does with his mouth is talking.

Wuz 'rong wit' dat?

The Mayor of Los Alamitos, California, Dean Grose, has resigned as Mayor and as a city council member due to what can best be described as stupidity-related issues. Mister Grose, the newly crowned ‘King-of-dumb’, decided that it would just be the funniest thing to send out an e-mail showing the White House lawn covered with watermelons and the caption, “No Easter egg hunt this year”. Ho ho ho, now there’s some funny stuff, if one were a bigot piece of garbage that is.

Of course Deano the Dimbulb says he didn’t know this was a racist sort of deal, and I have to admit that to some the imagery may be subtle. Let’s see, the first black President in United States history, the White House lawn covered in watermelons, hmmm… Yeah, that’s racist. Now Dean says he didn’t see it as racist, that he just thought it was a funny picture and caption and as a joke, and that he didn’t mean for it to be offensive. Far be it from me to call Dean a lying pile of steaming manure, but I have to wonder where the “joke” or the “funny” is, beyond the racist aspect I mean. I suppose we could give Dean the benefit of the doubt and it may be that Dean was just amused by the thought that to him watermelons look like giant Easter eggs, and he thought it would be funny because kids wouldn’t be able to find the smaller eggs because they would be hidden in amongst the bigger “Easter eggs” (ie: the watermelons). Yeah, of course in that case I think that it could be scientifically proven that Dean is, in fact, dumber than a sack of hammers.

Dean has been in contact with the Orange County Human Relations Commission “to acquire greater sensitivity”, and since common sense also seems to be in short supply between Dean’s ears this is probably a good start. I hope I’m not being too forward in suggesting that Dean also consider reentering the public primary school system, at about the Kindergarden level, and maybe he should pay attention this time. Good luck there Dean.

Anyway… Humouroceros

PS: I would have shown the postcard but I don’t really see any reason why I should spread that sort of stuff around.

Sir, you go too far

This is not funny!

Now I like the Daily Show with Jon Stewart as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy really, really likes the show) but I’ve been told that on his show the evening of February 24, 2009 he crossed the line between topical humour and what has been called typical United Station arrogance. My sources tell me that as Mister Stewart was talking about President Obama’s first international trip (to Canada) they showed the President signing the guest-book in the Parliament Building with Prime Minister Stephen Harper smiling behind him. Apparently Mister Stewart found it necessary to comment, “Canada, you have visiting world leaders sign a guest-book? Are you a country or a bed and breakfast?” I am reliably informed that this was, like, a total slur against Canada and that I should be insulted, and everything.

The thing is, I was watching the show that night and I thought that bit, as well as all the other bits of the show was really funny, as usual. I mean, I’m trying to be offended that somebody in the United States dared to insult us poor Canadians (because we would never dare to insult or look down on our friends to the south (the United States) now, would we?) but it just isn’t working. I’m not offended. Sorry. I really do want to be one of the team, but there you go.

Actually I’m sort of wondering what the deal is anyway. The brand new President of the United States goes off for his first international trip and the only media in the United States that even notices that he is gone is Comedy Central? That says way more about the state of the United States media than it does about anything else. And how about the way that some Canadians responded to Stewart’s comments? That was just sad. Crying about how the United States doesn’t respect us. Well boo hoo kids and here’s a thought; grab yourselves a hanky, blow your noses and just get on with it. Jon keeps me laughing and that is good enough for me. I find that the biggest difference between our friends to the south and us is, our friends to the south don’t care what the difference is.

Anyway… Humouroceros

PS: I suspect that the White House has a guest-book too. I bet that would make for some interesting reading.