Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A letter to Ann

Well there goes the liberal media again, flapping around in a tizzy and trying in their usual muddled way to taunt a good American for using her right to Free Speech. As usual what has driven the lib-med to distraction is that Miss Ann Coulter, voice of the Right and best-selling author has written another best seller in which she dares to point out what a bunch of harpies some of the 9/11 widows are.

Ann’s latest, entitled Godless: The Church of Liberalism is another of her ball-of-fire screeds on what a bunch of world-class traitors that liberals are. Of course the liberals just can’t stand this fact being pointed out and in revenge they have gone through the book with a fine-toothed comb trying to find any inaccuracies. Well good luck liberals! You just do that and then go and vote for John Kennedy again. Naturally they have focused on this supposed insensitivity to all those “victims” who lost family in the terror attacks on 9/11 and are now millionaires because of the generosity of others. Tough! Ann tells it like it is!

‘Heartless,’ the liberals have called her, or ‘Ann the cruel.’ They say she doesn’t understand their pain because she has never been married herself. Don’t even go there, liberals! Ann does not lack for male company and as she herself said a couple of years back on Rivera Live, “… I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me.” I believe it too. It’s not like she is grotesquely ugly or anything. Get a couple of gins into her and I bet she can light up any room in the country. Now that’s what I call freedom!

I know that some have asked why back when the Dixie Chicks insulted President George W Bush Ann didn’t leap to defend their use of free speech. Wake up, liberals! You do not insult the Commander In Chief, no way no how! Do you think for one second that Ann wrote or spoke one wrong word about President Clinton when he was in power? Come on!

So there it is. You liberals can all go back to your rundown little clubs and catch up on your reading of old copies of Pravda or whatever it is that you do when you’re sulking. And Ann? You go girl.
Anyway… Humouroceros

Oh, Ann

Monday, June 26, 2006

The longest undefended border in the world 2

My good buddy and fellow traveler, Congressman ‘Big’ John Hostettler from the great state of Indiana, has said in regards to Canada, “we do not want to have to worry about a neighbour that has a very different attitude than we do about terrorism.” Well right the red, white and blue heck on, John. Neither do we Canadians!

I think we can all agree that terrorism is bad. I’m sure that even your average terrorist would agree that terrorism is bad, which is why they use it as a tactic. Where we have to be careful is in the hunt for terrorists. You know as well as I do that the last thing we want is to sink to the level of a terrorist. We do not want to harm the innocent, as the terrorists do, in any way shape or form. Canadians believe, as do you in the US, in the rule of law; innocent until proven guilty. Naturally it goes without saying that the US government, just like the Canadian government, would never lie to an innocent man so that he would enter the United States where he would be arrested and sent to a third country where he would be tortured, right John? That would just be wrong in every way that an honest person could imagine. Of course it would also be playing into the hands of the terrorists in that you would have allowed them to change your naturally decent behaviour.

I was also considering what you said regarding the Canada/US border if there were another 9/11 type attack in the US. Right you are, buddy, shut ‘er down! Plug it up tighter than a cheese stuffed dog! None of that nonsense like last time when all planes in US airspace were diverted to Canada where they landed in airports all across this country and where thousands of US citizens were taken into Canadian homes and treated as guests who’s home country had just had a horrible trauma inflicted on it. I mean, what was that all about? I found your concern for we Canadians touching. As you remember, on 9/11 nobody really knew what was going on. Four airliners hijacked and used as weapons to murder thousands. Four that we knew of, that is. For all that anybody knew at the time, there could have been another four planes in the air with the same intent, and we Canadians were well aware of the possibility that the planes diverted to Canada could have taken on Canadian targets. Of course that is just the sort of chance that friends sometimes take for one another in extraordinary circumstances. Thanks for the thought, John.

As I said last time, John, I’ve begun keeping my eyes open for any Islamic terrorist activity in the local area. As far as I can tell it’s been quiet so far but unfortunately I haven’t had much time to devote to it yet. The weather’s been kind of spotty and I spent my last days off work working in the backyard. At one point up at the dump where I was getting rid of some glass bottles and cardboard boxes that had been cluttering up the house, I thought I spotted some Islamic terrorists (they looked pretty shifty to me) but I’m not sure, being new at this and all. I grabbed a picture though and you can deal with it as you see fit.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Beware: Suspected Extremists!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

H.S.O.I.E. 2

John, I feel your pain. Seven suspected homegrown Islamic extremists found in your own great country and accused of wanting to kill devils and destroy the Sears Tower. And not guys who were imported from Canada or some other hotbed of Islamic extremism either. These guys were 'apple pie (you should excuse the term) Yanks' like yourself! Shocking. But listen close, John, because I think I have some decent advise for you; Don't dwell on it. Allow me to explain my reasoning.

You have a fair sized country down there, and that's not even counting Hawaii or Alaska. You also have a whole bunch more people than we do in Canada, like ten times as many (by the way, did you notice that that puts you at about .70 on the Hostettler Scale Of Islamic Extremism, in relation to Canada? That's not even a one!) How can anybody reasonably expect your security services to keep an eye on everybody all the time? It's ridiculous. Besides, these folks were caught before they had a chance to do anything other than shoot their mouths off. I know, the ones in Canada were caught too but consider; there were seventeen of them within a smaller population base and you had seven in a larger population base. A way more difficult proposition.

I've heard comparisons to the Mad Cow thing where Canada checks way more per capita than you do in the US. Well that's ridiculous too! Most cows are not extremists so I don't see the comparison. Besides like people you have way more cows so of course the occational nutty one is going to get through. You're doing your best and I respect that. To hold your great country to the same standard that you hold the rest of the world is just not reasonable.

Don't worry about it, John. You people are doing your best and we can all see that you're doing your best. It's like a guy out at work says all the time; you just keep on keeping on. I've got your back so you go, guy.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Did you know...?

Most dinosaurs were not able to walk or move backwards. Many dinosaur fossils have been found facing sheer cliffs. Scientists believe that dinosaurs would walk into the cliff and then they would stand there, unable to back away, until they starved to death.

Penquins don't have livers.

A carpet will take longer to roll if you start at a corner rather than at the edge.

The hard center of a golf ball, if unraveled, would stretch for seventy five miles, but if you were to unwind a standard 120 video tape it would reach from New York to Yonkers.

If all the ships sunk during World War II were converted into butter knives, everybody on earth could have their own butter knife.

Ear wax candles are the only candles allowed in the Imperial Palace in Sun City, South Africa.

Hermann's Revenge, the Independant Llamas of Bolivia top trophy holder llama from the Bormann Stables in Grunstadt, Argentina was discovered to be a ground hog in 1997. There was rioting in the streets of La Bas, Bolivia.

If all the dimes made in the United States between 1957 and 1986 were piled on top of one another they would probably fall over before you were finished piling them.

It takes longer to spell 'slough' than it does to spell 'slow'.

The standard QWERTY keyboard configuration was made illegal in Iran in 1981 because the pronunciation is similar to the Farsie word q'wertie, which means 'slightly offset'.

Ninty percent of people when asked, will answer.

John Lennon actually was bigger than Jesus, because Jesus was just a little guy.

In the southern hemisphere water flows the other way.

Your average televangelist cannot tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground.

As a sign of the passage to adulthood, the young men of the Slit'skin clans of northern British Columbia, Canada had to fight a fully grown grizzly bear, bare handed. There are no Slit'skin left today.

Frequently, Shakespeare would use the name of his high school friends in his plays. The original title of Romeo And Juliet was Timmy And Becky Sue.

A yard stick is about three feet long.

Ronald McDonald is more of a buffoon than a clown.

If you put a couple of rabbits end to end, you will wind up with a whole bunch of rabbits.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

About says it all...

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: A big shout out to S Pastis. You're rockin' dude.

Saturday, June 17, 2006


Just to clarify matters; Congressman John Hostettler of the great state of Indiana in the United States has declared Canada to be a hotbed of Islamic extremism and as proof points to the seventeen people arrested in Toronto (the one in Canada) in the spring of 2006. These people have been accused of everything from wanting to behead the Prime Minister (of Canada) to being slightly rude to telemarketers on the phone (which is nothing more that members of my own family have wanted to do at various time over the years, but they’re not Islamic so it’s okay.)

In the interests of making everything clear and keeping it all easy to understand, the Office of Homeland Security in the United States has adopted the Hostettler Scale of Islamic Extremism in order to keep people informed and aware. This scale has been designed, just as has the security risk colour codes, as an easy and simple method of keeping the public in the loop, security-wise.

The Office of Homeland Security suggests you 'copy and paste' the scale into your favourite word processing program and then print it off so you can put it up on your fridge as a convenient reference.

Anyway… Humouroceros

The Hostettler Scale Of Islamic Extremism

16+ Extremists = A hotbed of Islamic Extremism

10 – 15 Extremists = A warmbed of Islamic Extremism

5 – 9 Extremists = A hotcot of Islamic Extremism

1 – 4 Extremists = A warm sleeping-bag (with a comfy pillow) of Islamic Extremism

0 Extremists = The United States

Drugs in the workplace

I had a meeting with the Human Resources fellow in the place where I work recently and while we were waiting for a third person to show up he showed me a couple of badly burned soda-pop cans he was keeping on a shelf in his office. “Ten points if you can tell me what these are,” he says.

I took a close look at one of the cans, applying the methods of Sherlock Holmes as best I could. The pop-top tab was missing; there was a dime-sized hole on the side and a quarter way around the can from that there was a bunch of tiny holes punched in a tight circle. The entire can was slightly crumpled with a indent where the tiny holes were and as I mentioned earlier, the can was burned black. “If I didn’t know you better I would say that these were a couple of your dirt-cheap dope pipes,” I joked.

He smiled slightly. “No, they’re not mine and yes, they are dope pipes, if you call crack dope, that is. I don’t really keep track of drug terminology.”

“Hmm,” I hmmed, mildly interested. “I’ve never seen a crack pipe before.” I looked at how burnt the can was. Burnt enough that you could barely make out which brand of pop it had held. “I wonder how the druggies hold on to this. It must get pretty hot to burn black like this.”

“Well, we do have lots of good gloves around the factory here.”

The light went on. “You mean these were found here? Inside the factory?” Great. I knew that there were a few crazy people in the place, but I had always assumed that they were 100% all-natural crazy. It was not good to find out that there were stoned crazy people about as well. “Where were they found?”

“Downstairs in the repair area, but lots of people have access to that area and it would be tricky to monitor everybody who passes through there on any given day. Do you recognize this?” he asked as he passed me an improvised roach-clip.

“Yeah,” I answered, “this one I know. From years ago when the times and the drugs were simpler, you understand.”

“Of course,” he said.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Friday, June 16, 2006

A joke

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

Hee hee, heh... Anyway... Humouroceros

Monday, June 12, 2006

The longest undefended border in the world

US Congressman with clown foot in mouth
Anyone who has been smugly passing comments on how utterly clever we Canadians are while our good friends and neighbours to the south are a bunch of handgun totin’ dim-bulbs who would be hard put to find their own country on a world map can just stop making that noise right now. Very recent comments by US Congressman John Hostettler show that not only is he aware of Canada and that it is a country separate from the one he lives in, but he is also aware that Canada borders on his country and, in his words, “It is fair to say that the Canadian border is virtually unguarded.” Mister Hostettler is clearly a man of great insight and wisdom.
John, who is chairman of the House of Representatives subcommittee on immigration and border security, appears dumbfounded by the fact that Canadians as well as US citizens returning home from Canada do not need a passport to cross the border into the good old US of A. His dumbfoundedment is justified too once you consider that Canada is, as John says, a hotbed of Islamic extremists intent on inflicting their terrorist damage on their southern neighbours while Canadians (sit) in blissful ignorance of the danger in their midst. As proof he points to the recent arrests in the area known as South Toronto (a story by the way which becomes more bizarre every day) which apparently shows just how blissfully unaware and ignorant we Canadians are (oh, should I have underlined the word ‘arrests’?) I mean, we didn’t even know there was an area of Toronto called ‘South Toronto. How blissfully unaware can you get?
In the interests of fairness and just to show how much to the opposite of blissfully ignorant the subcommittee is they called in Canadian David Harris as a consultant. Mister Harris is a professional Canadian and has probably forgotten more about maple syrup and beavers than most people will ever know. His comments to the committee regarding Canada’s role as a “recruiting, planning, financing and launch point for international terrorism” were telling. It sure is a good thing that they were able to find one Canadian who is not blissfully unaware or anything.
All right, John. You’ve presented some compelling points, or point if anybody is going to be all finicky about accuracy. You’ve convinced me enough that my mission henceforth is to seek out all this Islamic extremism and expose it. I do have access to a digital camera so there will be pictures (although in the interests of not being sued I’ll probably black out the eyes of any terrorists I find. Those terrorists are pretty cunning I bet and they know how to use a lawyer) and you can take it from there. I have heard that in the interests of justice the forces of law and order in the US don’t worry too much about international borders, as shown by the extradition order against that marijuana terrorist from Vancouver (in British Columbia) (in Canada) last year.
I think we’re on the same page when I say how much we can miss the good old days. The good old days when “those people” knew their place and the whole concept of Islamic terrorism was a foreign as that guy doing your yard-work. Yes sir, back in the day we all had a great deal of pride in what was known as the longest undefended border in the world, yet it all seems so naive and quaint in today’s hurly burly world of international terrorism and pre-emptive diplomacy teamed with aggressive negotiation.
John, my friend (if I may be so bold), I have heard of your own legal problems in your own country from a couple of years back, and it sounds to me like it was some sort of liberal plot to bust your chops. Now, as you did plead guilty I have to assume that you actually did try to sneak a loaded handgun onto a plane in Louisville, Kentucky in 2004, three years after 9/11, but I’m sure you had your reasons for doing so. Perhaps you felt threatened by Canadian Islamic terrorists upset by your position on border security? Fair enough. Besides, let’s look at this honestly, John. You are a Congressman in the US Congress and the chances of you doing something really, really, really stupid with a loaded handgun in US airspace are pretty slim. Besides again, the murderers on 9/11, didn’t they use box-cutters? I think if the liberals hadn’t had a hand in your arrest and conviction the authorities would have just asked you to unload the handgun and keep the bullets in a separate pocket from the gun. This way there would have been no way for the gun to discharge accidentally, and if you had noticed an Islamic terrorist on the flight you could have simply loaded up and taken charge of the situation.
Be that as it may, I’ll see what I can do to help, John. I’ve got your back (in a purely heterosexual [that means that boys like girls] sort of way), and in spite of the thousands if not millions of people out there who think my good buddy John is a loud-mouthed, simple-minded creep or jerk, well you just pay no mind to them. You can count on me.
Anyway… Humouroceros

Friday, June 09, 2006

Jesus built my picnic table

Back in the Middle Ages there was a thriving business in religious relics. If one had the right connections and enough cash on hand, one could buy a chunk of the True Cross, the tray that John the Baptist’s head was displayed on, various bones from any Saint you could think of, a plate from the Last Supper, and pretty much anything else the sellers could imagine. My question is, where are all the wood projects that Jesus built as He was growing up?

Without meaning to sound all DaVinci Code-y, the four currently popular gospels are pretty light on any info regarding Jesus’ life post Birth and pre Passion. Did He travel? Did He start a business? Was He a singer in a thrash-metal rock band? These are all perfectly legitimate questions because the only thing that we can really sort of assume to be possibly true about this time in His life is that His mom’s husband, Joseph, probably taught Him His way around a hammer (which has a certain tiny amount of irony about it.)

One would think that the Guy who created one of the most successful religions ever, not to mention the thousands of sects that that religion has begat, would spend a little bit of His downtime some afternoons slapping together crafty little items for around the home. A bedside table perhaps, or maybe a bookcase. According to Mel Gibson, in his film The Passion Of The Christ, Jesus built the first kitchen table (and presumably spent some time afterward building a kitchen to put it in.)

It’s a funny market for the entrepreneurs of the Middle Ages to have missed. One would think that Jesus made meat platters or cutting boards would have sold like hotcakes. In fact unless one is limited by the limits of bad taste would a cross shaped letter opener have been too much? I bet Jesus could have knocked off a dozen of those in an afternoon. How about a … Well, never mind, but the money was there to be made and now it is an opportunity lost. You can be your bottom dollar that the current crop of religious charlatans would be all over this if they thought they could get away with it. E-Bay would be stacked to the rafters with knick-knacks and geegas all sporting the JC logo. That little weiner Jim Baker would do this in a second, and without a second thought.

I just remembered that on the first series of Black Adder they made a joke about a Jesus built spice-rack. That’s great.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Friday, June 02, 2006

What Price a Beautiful Sunset?

Len was bounding in towards New York at 20,000 feet, his power-sled automatically arranging air clearance and adjusting to inbound flight instructions. He had spent the week hitting all the hot spots of Europe and pressing the flesh with the rich and infamous, and while Europe was nice, if you really wanted to rock New York was the place to be. He had an ETA to the Big Apple of about twenty-five minutes where he would resume his usual life of big screen TV coupled with extreme leisure and makeovers.

Just as the city’s super-skyscraper skyline broke the horizon an EM pulse light flared and the power-sled automatically dropped to hover mode. “What the…” Len began to say, when the entire horizon lit up with a sun bright burst of flame and light. Len’s ocular implants faded to black which under normal circumstances would have blinded the young man but today the light was so bright he could still make out the boiling flame of what had once been the New York skyline. Fortunately he was still twenty miles off the coast so there was no immediate danger of shock waves. “Well that’s just great,” he thought, “first the ozone layer and now this. What am I supposed to do now?”

Len pondered this important question as the nuclear powered hurricane force winds began to blast past the power-sled’s hover shield. He decided that maybe it was time to head south. Check out some new action, maybe make some new friends and influence people. Right, he chuckled to himself as he powered up the sled and turned south. Miami would be nice to see. Maybe he would even stop in at Disney World on the way.

However, so go the best laid plans of mice and men, as one old guy with a lot on his mind once said. The entire Atlantic seaboard appeared to be a vast landscape of smoldering wreckage as far as he could see. Ruined, burning city followed burning, ruined city and all the shoreline in between was burnt and ruined as well. “This mega-sucks,” Len muttered to himself as he turned inland. Before long he was hovering over the crater that had at one time been Orlando, Florida, the place where Disney World had been. “Heck!” Len thought, “I better go to Key West!”

Half an hour later Len had set down in Key West and ordered a couple of margaritas. The drinks were brought by a pretty young thing who flashed him a big smile promising many things. Len realized that this was only a cheap ploy to get a big tip, but he filed her away for future reference anyway.

No sooner had he downed his first drink than one of the local characters came and sat at his table. The stranger was fashionably dressed in Hawaiian shorts, scuffed and cracked cowboy boots, a weather-beaten straw hat and mirrored aviator glasses. He borrowed one of Len's empty glasses and poured an amber liquid out of a silver flask into it. He leaned back in his chair and surveyed Len.

“You from out of town, boy?” inquired the character, who was eyeing Len's suede flying suit.

Len flipped up his flying goggles. “Yeah. But then, this seems to be the only town going. Everything else looks like it was blasted by a nuclear war or something.”

The local smiled to himself and nodded again. “Nuclear war. That figures. But it does explain a few things.”

Len noticed that the salt from his margaritas was making him thirsty, so he ordered another. “What does it explain?” he asked.

“Everything. Drink up boy. My name is Key Wess Jess and we've got things to do!”

Len finished his drink, and then he and Jess strolled out into the gentle Caribbean breeze. They got on the power-sled and shot out over the ocean in the general direction of Cuba. The sky was a steady steel blue and the water below sparkled in a self-satisfied sort of way, yet Len was starting to get glum. With the entire civilized world vaporized it was really going to be difficult to get any new CDs or DVDs. The enormity of the situation was beginning to become clear to him.

Then Jess slapped him on the back. “You know Len, this is quite the opportunity we have here. You, me, this power-sled, and we're all together in the only really good place on the whole planet. Key West.” Jess looked back towards the mainland and smiled. “Now you could have been in New York when it got toasted, or London, or any of a hundred other places, but no. You were over the Atlantic, safe, and I see the hand of God in that. You were supposed to survive, and you were supposed to come to Key West, and you were supposed to meet me. Call it destiny or kismet or jumbldy doo or whatever you want. It was just meant to be.”

“How do you figure that? I mean, why?”

“Why indeed. Let me explain. Key West has never been totally independent of the rest of the mainland. We depended on them for quite a few things. Toilet paper for example. Now we can get along quite well without toilet paper, but we need electricity. Not a lot, you understand. But some. A little.”

Len was still not sure what the point of all this was. “And?” he prompted.

“And your power-sled, Len. Battery powered, isn't it?”

“Yeah. But not a very good one. It's only a Sears Ride-hard 250. I've had it about a year.”

Jess was nodding to himself again. “I'll tell you Len. I'm the first to admit that I'm not up on current battery terminology, but doesn't that mean that your battery should last about another two hundred and forty nine years of power-sled use?”

The light came on for Len. “Okay, I see where you’re going with this, but I don't understand why you need electricity. I mean, you're welcome to the battery, but why do you need the power?”

Jess looked west towards the setting sun, a small smile playing playfully on his lips. The setting sun as seen from Key West is the most beautiful sight in the world. “Ice, Len. We need ice. A margarita without crushed ice is totally uncivilized.” The sun had set completely. “Without ice we could only last forty, maybe fifty years. Give us ice and we'll last forever.”

So it was that through Len's wish to see Disney World, Key West was able to go on as it always had, with slightly unfocused eyes and swaying to a Jimmy Buffet beat. And now the sunsets were even better.