Friday, February 26, 2010

The ioc Can Bug Off!

Let's see, the Canadian Women's olympic team was celebrating on-ice after they won the gold medal in the 2010 Vancouver winter olympics and the fine, upstanding creeps running the international olympic committee (the i.o.c.) don't like it. Apparently it sends the wrong message. Let's see, the i.o.c. greed-heads, which allowed professional athletes into the olympics, which allowed basketball into the olympics (when the US was the only country with professional basketball players - the "dream team"), which does not believe in equality for women (where are the women ski-jumpers?), which is allowed to ignore the rules and laws of any country it goes to, and which demands and gets 5-star hotels for it's wrinkled membership with 5-star service and television walls so they can watch the olympic events without the inconvenience of having to leave their rooms, thinks that a truly amateur team celebrating after winning the gold medal is bad. The women were drinking beer and champagne on the ice, and the prunes of the i.o.c. don't like it. Hmmm...
Here's a thought just off the top of my head: what say we just ship the esteemed members of the i.o.c. back to whatever rat-hole of a country they came from and then do our level best just to forget that they were ever here? Back in whatever turd-marsh those guys came from they are perfectly free to march around spouting whatever limp-brained stupidity they want, but for them to say that stupid crap here is just offensive, as are they. I don't like the olympics, but the Canadian Women's hockey team rocks the heck out!
Anyway... Humouroceros

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Politician behaving badly

It takes a strong and special person to remain calm and steadfast while in the midst of turmoil and frustration. Conservative M.P. Helena Guergis is not such a person. Last week (February 19) Guergis and her posse showed up late for a flight out of Charlottetown. Upon being reminded that passengers really should show up two hours before flight-time the Right Honourable Guergis blasted, "I don't need to be lectured about flight-times by you!" Well it would appear obvious to most people that she and her crew do, in fact need to be lectured about flight-times, as they didn't bother to show up when they were supposed to. Of course there are a couple of other possibilities here. It is possible that the Minister and her lackeys support the terrorists, or perhaps they just don't believe that the rules which the little people have to live by apply to them. Or something.

Next, after refusing to remove her footwear, the good Minister's shoes set off the security alarm. She then, with what we can only assume to be her usual good grace, took off her shoes and slammed them into the carrying bin while shouting, "Happy fucking birthday to me. I guess I'm stuck in this hell-hole." (I was embarrassed to use the 'F-word' in the proceeding quote as Parliamentary language is foreign to me. I would have preferred to use the political euphemism "fuddle-duddle" but my ongoing quest for accuracy would not allow me to.) Once through the security stuff, she ordered one of her minions to get her boots as she was all busy having a king-sized hissy-fit.

The good news is that it only took her a week to figure out that the optics on this situation maybe didn't paint her in all that good of a light. "It was certainly not my intention to cause any additional stress for airport or Air Canada employees," she mushed, causing those who think a little more clearly to wonder just what her intentions actually had been. She then apologized for speaking "emotionally" and said that she had finally come to the conclusion that her behaviour had not been appropriate. Granted that while such behaviour while totally appropriate, and even encouraged, in the House of Parliament, out in the real world where the adults are, it is a definite no-no.

In a final attempt to show that she was 'just one of the guys', as it were, she mentioned that her dad had been born in Prince Edward Island, and then commented on "all the hard-working people who make it so welcoming." Welcoming, I guess, even to people who don't deserve it.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Douglas Noel Adams

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams

One of my favourite writers is Douglas Noel Adams (1952 - 2001). He first became famous for a radio serial program he wrote called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which then became a series of books (a trilogy in five parts) and then a television show. As is so often the case in these media-driven "stuff that dude into a category" time we live in, Adams was first considered to be a science-fiction writer even though this was only one bit of his writing career. Humourist might be a better description, with a healthy chunk of humanity thrown in (ie: he cared about the state of the world and how we primates were treating it). He had the enviable ability to create a turn of phrase that could make you laugh and think at the same time. The Hitchhiker series and his Dirk Gently books are must haves for anybody who enjoys a good chuckle, while Last Chance to See is an interestingly written book on endangered species. His last book, The Salmon of Doubt, is a collection of his writings put together after his death and has both thoughtful and funny bits in it.
The following is one of my favourite stories of his and is in The Salmon of Doubt. He said it was a true story:
"This actually did happen to a real person, that the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong, I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out , and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would have happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would very quickly have been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know... But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?
In the end I thought Nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice..." I mean, it doesn't really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.
A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about his story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line."
-Douglas Adams - The Salmon of Doubt
Anyway... Humouroceros

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bozo the M.P.

Getting the mail was extra-hooting double special last week as I found, shoved in amongst all the bills and brochures from real-estate agents telling me to see my house, a letter from my Minister of Parliament. Now at the insistence of my better judgement I will not be referring to the honourable gentleman by his name, but suffice it to say that he is a member of the Conservative party and I will be calling him by his code-name: Dink-eyes.

One would imagine that a letter from an M.P. to his/her constituents (AKA: the great unwashed, the suckers, my fellow Canadians (during election time), and my favourite, the bottomless pocket) would paint a rosy picture of how that particular M.P.'s party was doing. What they are doing in the corridors of power to make the Great-White-North into the Greater-White-North. Maybe point out some successes, you know, make it into a feel-good sort of deal. Dink-eyes takes a different view.

"Often Canadians don't appreciate (the) luxuries of the great life Canada affords", he points out and Dink-eyes may have a point as the vast majority of Canadians are self-pitying, ungrateful, polite, whiners. Dink-eyes further suggests that a great life in Canada, "is only to be found in an attitude of thankfulness for all things." So, higher taxes for fewer services? Be thankful. Lost your job and can't pay the mortgage while your M.P. just shrugs his shoulders muttering something like, "that's free enterprise" in a 'sucks to be you' manner? Be thankful. It is kind of weird but I had never thought of the Conservative philosophy as being 'don't worry, be happy'. 'Don't think, be happy', maybe.

Honestly, I think the entire letter could be summed up in the first paragraph, in fact, largely in the first two sentences. "Well, we made it through 2009. Some people didn't so as we enter into 2010 we already have something to be thankful for." Granted, at first glance one might think this a little harsh, especially if it was received by someone who had lost a loved one last year, but a quick second glance (with a disbelieving head-shake maybe, or perhaps a solid head-butt into a handy brick wall) will show just how profound this thought actually is. "Way to go, you didn't die last year. Be grateful that you are not one of those poor gimps who didn't make it." Good one, Dink-eyes. Too bad it is too long to put on a bumper-sticker or you could make some handy extra money off a thought like that.

Throughout the rest of the first paragraph he points out how we Canadians have endeavoured to persevere through the H1N1 situation, job losses and a "fragile" economy, and he ends the paragraph with, "there is light at the end of the 2009 tunnel." This takes odd to entirely new levels as the letter is dated February 12, 2010 and as I understand things, to see the light at the end of the tunnel one has to be in the tunnel. The worrying thing is that this may only appear to be the usual muddled "thinking" we have all come to expect from our friends in Ottawa and Dink-eyes in particular. Maybe it is only a subtle warning that 2009 was the bright spot and 2010 is really going to suck. Fortunately, I don't think that Dink-eyes is quite that clever.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I got a new drug

I just discovered this and it is great! Penn & Teller: Bullshit is the best show on TV right now. Go and watch it and buy the DVDs. For a quick (free) taste you could always YouTube it. Yes, it is well worth the effort.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Monday, February 15, 2010

2010 olympic protesters? No, just assholes at large

I have shown that I am against the 2010 Vancouver winter olympics just as much as the next guy. The olympics are a good way to piss away public money on a party for the rich, but that is about it. I know that things are in full swing right now but in spite of the muddled thinking that insists that those of us who do oppose the olympics should just shut-up and get on board, well, I still don't want the olympics here.
Now, having said all that: I am also against the lying, stupid, hypocritical sacks of dumb who are taking the opportunity to run around breaking windows and vandalizing other people's property, all in the name, supposedly, of opposing the olympics. What a load of crap. These cretins are not olympic protesters. They are opportunistic little creeps who use any excuse available to cause trouble and wreck anything in sight, and that is all they are. They have all the style and wit of an English football hooligan and the morals of some corporate drone stealing the last ten cents of some seniors life-savings. They are a stain on humanity and that is all they ever will be.

What I really don't understand is when people who have legitimately been opposed to the 2010 winter games for years allow themselves to be used by these gutless little turds. They defend the actions of these jerks, cheapening their own stance in the process. Spokesperson for the Olympic Resistance Network (fer pete's sake), Alissa Westergard-Thorpe, says the all the trouble was caused by the police (imagine, blaming the police, how original) and claimed that the protesters were not violent, since, "Property damage is not the same as violence." This is an interesting and unique view but I wonder how quickly it would be modified if one of Ms Westergard-Thorpe's thug friends were to punch a brick through a window where she lives, you know, for practice. I suppose that wouldn't be violence either, just business as usual. That loser from Seattle arrested with a bicycle chain wrapped around his hand, why he wasn't there to be violent was he? Golly, the very idea. Just because someone is in a mob is packing a bicycle chain people all of a sudden start thinking that he is planning a bit of violence or something. His parents might believe that simple-minded butt-junk from their little precious, but I don't.

One report I read mentioned that following the stupidity a lady who lived a few blocks away came to the scene with a sign reading, "Being a vandalizing douche bag is not a political statement". It goes without saying that this woman, Ms Isabella Mori, is braver than most of the rest of us, and we need more people like her.

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: the photo of Ms Mori is off of flikr and was uploaded by whiteheadjesse. hope he doesn't mind me using it.

Fun for the kids! Print off this mascot of the phoney
olympic protesters and colour it!
Good clean fun!
His name is Nobrainey Knuckle-dragger.
(click on the image and print off the full size image)


Sunday, February 14, 2010

What, me sorry?


Anyway... Humouroceros

The 2010 olympic Torch

This is the design of the 2010 olympic torch, carried by thousands of Canadians (and some rather dubious "celebrities") in the most recent torch run. I was confused by the choice of Steven Nash in the final five though. Sure, buddy could have carried it before that, maybe handing it off to Gov. Arnold Sshwarzenegger or something (so the Gov. could run off to smoke a nice Cuban stogie), but shouldn't the final five have all been Canadian Olympians? Where the heck was Donovan Bailey? Nancy Greene was a good choice as were Wayne Gretzky and Catriona Le May Doan and seeing Rick Hansen was, as always, inspiring, but Steve Nash? Don't get me wrong, Steven Nash is an amazing individual who probably gets more good stuff done in the morning before your average nimrod, me for example, manages to even get out of bed. Good stuff, but why not a member of the women's olympic hockey team?

Oddly enough, the "final five" were not what I really wanted to comment on just now. I was looking at the design of the olympic torch (which, by the way, the torch runners could buy for $349.00 plus tax and I wonder who is making money on that deal) and the first thing to strike me was, is someone making a joke here? Is it just me or is that particular design ideal for whacking baby seals?

Just wondering.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Sunday, February 07, 2010

olympics Over Budget? Preposterous!

This just in, according to a new Canadian Press - Harris - Decima poll, most Canadians now believe that the olympics will go over budget. To quote some of my friends from back in my school days, "No shit, Sherlock."
Anyway... Humouroceros

Friday, February 05, 2010

Does a potato have DNA (and where does it keep it?)

I am just now reading Richard Dawkins book, The Greatest Show on Earth. Naturally it is full to the brim with intriguing facts, such as 19% of the people in England believe that the Earth travels around the sun once a month (Pg. 434). Of course this follows logically from a Monty Python poll from 1969 which stated that most British housewives could not tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab, but I digress.

Early in the book Dawkins uses a thought experiment to show the connection between a rabbit and a leopard. In the experiment you imagine a line of rabbits stretching into the past, each one the descendant of the one in front of it. You follow the line back into the past and over thousands and millions of years you see the rabbits become more and more primitive forms. Eventually you will come upon an ancestor to both the rabbit and the leopard. Dawkins calls this the "hairpin bend". So now you follow this hairpin bend back through the millenia up to the present time, to the modern leopard. Dawkins "hairpin bend" in this case is the most recent common ancestor that rabbits and leopards have. He makes the point that it doesn't matter what two animals you use, porcupines and dolphins or humans and haddock, at some point in the long distant past there is a common ancestor or a "hairpin bend".
It has to be admitted that Dawkins displays a real bias with this particular experiment, or at least with how he presents it. It would appear that Richard is only concerned with the animal kingdom. Well now, what about the plant kingdom? The majestic potato, the indomitable grooved honey-nut? Imagine the hairpin bend between a tomato and an oak tree. How far back would you have to go to find the hairpin bend between a duck-billed platypus and a Douglas fir? A heck of a long way back would be my guess, but Dawkins doesn't even mention this.
Another hairpin bend that Dawkins utterly fails to mention but which I am personally curious about is that between any televangelist and a steaming pile of poo. Personally I don't think that is a bend you would have to go too far back to find because I figure that they are both descended from slightly larger piles of poo. Heh.
Anyway... Humouroceros
PS: If it seems as though i am ripping on Richard Dawkins, well it's all in good fun. A jest, if you will. I have read a few of his books and I really like how he explains things, how clear he can make the most complex concept. He makes much more sense than the idea that the universe was created in six days by some god wiggling it's nose.