Saturday, May 30, 2009


This is the London skyline as it was at 0112 hrs on May 31, 2009. I didn't know they had a Ferris-wheel in downtown London. Who says the British are a bunch of stiffs?

Anyway... Humouroceros

Friday, May 29, 2009

Ok, now I'm Boyle-ing mad!

So I see the media is up to it's usual tricks regarding that Scot singer, Susan Boyle. Now I have to admit that as I have not the slightest interest in any of the currently popular "reality" television shows (or any of the formerly popular "reality television shows or any "reality" television shows that may yet become popular) it was really hard to miss the Susan Boyle story of the ugly duckling that could sing (and no, I did not come up with that disturbing little concept either. Some dick off of TV did that, I just stole it) So anyway, she seems nice enough and at first the media couldn't say enough good about her. She was "real" as the phonies in the business say, but the also say "if it bleeds it leads", meaning that the great unwashed (the viewing public) want blood and guts to watch. So now that Susan has had her time in the sun it is obviously time to tear her down a bit.

The latest news out of "Great" Britain is that Susan is having "melt-downs" all over the place and maybe she isn't quite as nice as one could want after all. In other words, the urine-stained "journalism" that our English friends are so well known for is going all out to show just how sad they really are. Here's a thought guys. Lay off. Crawl back under your rocks and stay there for, well, ever. There's a lad. I mean, I know you all won't back off, you just are not smart enough to, but, you know, bug off, and everything.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Heh. Guess where:

Anyway... Humouroceros

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Intelligent Design?

As anybody who is capable of chewing gum and walking at the same time knows, Intelligent Design is the largest pile of crap to come down the pipes since the great roughage catastrophe hit Toronto in early 2003. My problem is that I tend to give people and ideas the benefit of the doubt. Instead of saying, “what a steaming pile of brainless crud” the first time I heard this “theory”, I thought to myself, “Well let’s just give it a chance. Sure, it looks as though this is just a pathetic attempt by religious folk to create doubt about the theory of evolution and natural selection, both of which are gaining even more scientific proof day by day, by claiming falsely that Intelligent Design is just another possibility, the possibility being that we and all we know was designed by some greater being, who couldn’t possibly have been God (that would be dishonest), but rather merely some being who just happens to be greater than us. Of course looking at the Intelligent Design theory, which says that everything is just a little too complicated to have “just happened”, raises for me an interesting point; let’s just say for a second that the Intelligent Design people are right. Everything was designed by an intelligence much greater than our own. Who is to say that this intelligence was working on it’s own? Obviously this would indicate a willingness to admit the possibility that the idea of one monolithic god is just plain silly.” As this makes clear, I am not a fan of knee-jerk reactions. I prefer to think things through for myself before making a decision.

This one could have taken a while too, at least a weekend if I wasn’t too busy otherwise. In fact it took a lot less time than that for me since I consider the entire Intelligent Design theory to be basically dishonest. Of course when Intelligent Design folk talk about a designer they mean god, or more specifically, God, that buddy from the big three religions (Jewish, Catholic, Islam, in order of age), they just aren’t honest enough to admit it. Still, over the years I have thought about it every so often, just to stay limber, and it still doesn’t make even a little bit of sense. The latest thought I had about it was while I was watching the starlings as they poked their way through the grass out back. They seemed pretty intent on what they were up to and every so often one would get really excited and would take off for parts unknown. I thought to myself, if there had been an intelligent designer wouldn’t he (or she) (or it) have made is so the starlings would pick the weeds out in my yard so I wouldn’t have to use a herbicide? Now that would have been an intelligent design! Just one more nail in the coffin of Intelligent Design I guess (like it needed any more.) Bang!

Anyway… Humouroceros

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Eng-er-lund swings (like a pendulum do)

A family member is off to swinging London (the one in Eng-er-lund) in a couple of weeks, and as so many people I know tend to do, she came to me for advise on what to see and do while across the pond (which is gimp-talk for 'across the Atlantic.) Well, first things first. "Why in the name of all things damp would you want to go there for?" I asked. "We live in the best place on earth (at least until the water-wars of 2036 and our friends to the south [the United States] initiate Operation Crimson III and invade with a classic clamp-action from Washington and Alaska states) so why would you want to go anywhere else?"

"Well," she said, "the opportunity arose, so why not?"

Ah, I hadn't expected that, the logical confluency of Schlingdigger's Conundrum. "Well played," I muttered, "Where exactly are you going?"

'London. You do know about London, right?"

Now that was just insulting. "As you well know I have been following the British with a passion that is only surpassed by that bunch on Fox News who wet their pants whenever they mention the Royal Family (British division). I'm not sure what they do in their pants whenever they mention that broad who was married to that Prince guy. Not the one he's married to now but the first one. You know."

"Lady Diana?"

"Yeah, something like that. As you know I have studied Andy Capp, Red Dwarf, Monty Python and the Vicar Of Dibley, and I have read everything Douglas Adams ever wrote, not to mention that Harry Potter chick, so I think I am very well up on the British, including London, thank-you very much. Blimey and all that."

"Okay," she said, "so tell me about London."

"Right. London. First settled in 1492 by Ben Westminster and his merry band of rogues and scallywags. A bunch of wars later Bill Shakespeare hit town and then things really started to hopping with Catholics being burned at the stake every other weekend and the odd bout of Black Death plague just to keep the rats fed. The British navy under the command of Horatio Noseblower and Nelson Rocketfella sailed the ocean blue and unless I am very much mistaken gold flowed like lumpy water back to the English coffers. Those were good days with every Englishman a castle with moats and dragons and kings yanking swords out of stones, and talking owls. Or was that Disney? Anyway, the fog was so thick you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, or your nose in front of your face for that matter. Then came Sherlock Holmes and Jack the Ripper tore up the town for a while and if you jumped into the river Thames your skin would burn right off your body, and it seems to me there was something about a giant radioactive lizard, but that might have been from somewhere else too. And the Battle of Britain where so few gave so much to so many, and two if by sea... Hold it..."

"Listen," the family member interrupted. "I hate to interrupt when you're in full flow but what does all this have to do with me going to London?"

"This is what we in the business call 'deep background'. It's the stuff that they kept out of the history books for one reason or another. I feel that it is important to have a basic understanding of a place's history before visiting, thus giving one a deeper appreciation for that place."

"Fine," she conceded, "Consider me educated then. What do I need to know for this trip?"

"Most people over there talk English but they say stuff funny. They call a car's wind-shield a 'wind-screen' for example. They say 'pip-pip' and 'eh-wot' and 'Bob's your uncle' doesn't actually mean that Bob's your uncle. They use a rhyming slang that can be kind of tricky to figure out so if someone offers you a cup of pee they are probably offering you a cup of tea, but that is one I would check out carefully before saying yes. They drive their cars on the wrong side of the road so you'll want to watch for that. Remember that English cooking involves lots of water since they boil everything. Beef, chicken, halibut, it all goes into a big pot of water and gets boiled until it screams. Also, they eat eels over there. In fact, the English passion for eels is almost equal to the French passion for slurping back snails. At least the French use garlic to hide the taste of snail while the English just boil them up, toss them on a platter and hope for the best. Then to get the taste of eel out of their mouths they go to a "pub" and drink warm beer and smoke cigarettes until they puke. This is British culture."

"Got it. How will I get around while I'm there?"

"My guess would be poorly. Sherlock Holmes use some sort of horse and buggy affair. I believe that during the war they just scurried from one pile of rubble to another. That James Bond fellow drives a car of some description and from what I have seen on TV there are taxis in London. Not too shabby for a country that has just discovered the push-button telephones and which still has out-door toilets in it's major metropolitan areas, that's pretty good."

"Okay. What sort of culture should I expect to see over there?"

"None. Since Monty Python broke up and Sid James of the Carry On gang dies, they've got nothing."


"Not a thing. The last gasp of energy would have been the punk music thing and that ended almost thirty years ago. Heck, Johnny Rotten works for beer commercials now. A United Station delusionality of their own past is all they have left now, so there are plenty of museums. It's a "look how great we used to be" mentality. Sad really but they just don't know any better."

"Is there anything worth seeing in London? You sound kind of down on the whole English thing."

"Hey," I clarified, "don't get me wrong. The English are okay as long as your expectations are low."

She was looking a little depressed. "Is there anything you think would be worth doing in London? Anything?"

I had to think for a minute. "Well, this is kind of interesting in a necrophiliac sort of way. I have heard that deep in the darkest depths of the London cityscape there is a small brass plaque, set into a wall at about knee height. You have to look close but printed on that plaque are the words, "John Lennon urinated here 27 times. Thanks John." I'd like a picture of that.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Build your own birdhouse

The above is an ad from a local hardware store for a build it yourself birdhouse where you can go online to get the actual plans. Take a quick look at the materials list and see if you can make it come to $50 to build this little beauty. A friend of mine uses scrap wood to build birdhouses and they come to about $0 each (not counting his time, of course.) I notice that the birds are quite happy to use this low-cost housing so why someone would pay $50+ to make a birdhouse is beyond me. Takes all kinds, I suppose.

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: I have been told that it is a bad idea to have a perch on a birdhouse since this just allows predator birds to sit there and try to eat whatever is inside. I suppose you could say it makes a birdhouse into a bird-buffet. If you were inclined to say things like that.

White crowned sparrows

So it has been a rough winter by all accounts and some feel that it is still going on. Daytime temps are about 5 - 10 degrees below normal (and while I am sure that the crowd who does not believe in global warming will be chimping about about this, the fact is that they are not the sharpest tacks in the box), and the yard took a bit of a beating. The grass is looking patchy out front and while at first I was hoping that it would come back on it's own eventually real life had to rear it's head and I just had to come to terms with the fact that my lawn needed help. Re-seed help, to put it accurately so I hit the local grass seed emporium and bought a big jar of shade resistant grass seed.

I sprayed the seed all over the rough patches out front, raked it in and watered the heck out of it and then waited for my shiney new lawn to blast out of the ground. Weeks later (weeks!) nothing was happening and I have to admit to a certain level of puzzlement, then one day I noticed that my front lawn looked like it was moving. I snapped off a picture figuring that I could get on one of those weird story TV shows. Then while I reset the camera to 'movie mode' (figuring that a moving picture might be a little more exciting on TV than a bunch of stills) I noticed that it was a bunch of birds roaming through my lawn, eating my seed. White-crowned sparrows, in fact. Now my first impulse was to find a cat and toss it out there but I have never been a fan of the knee-jerk reaction, so I looked the little beggers up on the Internet and discovered that this is their breeding time. I am all for breeding so I figured that I should help the little mutts instead of exterminating the brutes, so I left them alone. I don't know how much energy a bird gets from a seed of grass, but if that works for them I can afford to help.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The picture at the top is from which is a pretty good web-site. The picture at the bottom is where I had hoped to have lawn in my front-yard. Maybe next year. It's like the Canucks fans say, "this was a building year."

Thursday, May 07, 2009

A thought about Star Wars

I was sitting around, or mowing the lawn or something the other day and something about Star Wars - episode 6 struck me. As we all remember when the Ewoks first meet Luke, Han and Chewbacca the first thought they had was to eat our heros. In fact they even got as far as to have our heros all tied up and over some logs, all ready to cook when Luke uses the Force to convince the Ewoks not to eat them. So, hungry little goobers all willing to chow down on human, when they can get it, right?

Near the end of the movie when everybody is celebrating the destruction of the second Death-Star, considering all the dead Imperial soldiers laying all over the place, what are the Ewoks eating?

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: Also, is it the forest moon orbiting some planet named Endor, or is Endor the name of the moon itself?