Sunday, February 24, 2008

America is now completely secure!

" Don't even bother," the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Defence advises the terrorist hoards

In an unexpected yet welcome address to the nation recently, the Secretary of Homeland Defence, Michael Chertoff, announced that as of 12:05 AM EDT, the continental United States is now completely secure from terrorist attack. “There is now absolutely no way for terrorists to enter the United States any more. Security technologies developed since the 9/11 attacks have made it possible for us to 100% identify any terrorist who tries to enter this country, including Alaska and much of Hawaii.”

In an unprecedented display of openness the Secretary displayed the new technologies that now guarantee America’s security. First and foremost it the face recognition technology that has been grafted with patented body-language reader programs. “This will be the frontline defence of our new security regime with a proven effectiveness of 97.7%,” claims Secretary Chertoff. “Every entrance point to the United States has been equipped with these systems and each is capable of scanning the faces of 1700 people per minute. Each facial profile is compared to our criminal and terrorist database in Washington, DC, and an instant alert goes out when a threat suspect is detected. This is very expensive technology but it has been proven effective and will be a great asset to our nation’s security.”

When asked if this technology would have prevented the tragedy of 9/11 the Secretary answered, “Oh no. All those guys were complete unknowns.”

The second security measure introduced was devised to monitor domestic security. “We were concerned with the possibility of sleeper agents who may already be in the United States. Remember, some of the 9/11 terrorists live in the US for up to five years before they acted. It is possible that there are terrorists living among us right now. Staring at your wife, selling cigarettes to minors, toying with your children on the Internet. These people must be found and incarcerated or sent to ally nations for intense interrogation. Therefore, beginning this morning we have initiated the first nation-wide security watch protocols. Anybody who observes someone of, say, Arab descent behaving in an un-American manner can call our 1-900 number and report what they have seen. From that point it is up to us to lock down the suspect. Our specially trained terrorist lock-down teams are on 24/7 alert and are all within twenty minutes of anywhere in America as we speak. We have very high hopes for this initiative which places security directly in the hands of the American people.”

When asked if this initiative would have prevented the terror attacks of 9/11 the Secretary was forced to admit that they would not have. “No. Those guys were under the radar for the entire time they lived in the United States.”

The third and final security measure now in force had been completed just the night before. “We in North America have been living in a dream-world for long enough and it is time that we woke up to modern realities. We in the United States can defend our own borders but we are unwilling to defend our neighbours borders, therefore we have just completed a twenty foot wall along the longest formerly undefended border between us and our neighbours to the north in Canada. As we all know, Canadians will allow pretty much anybody into their country and they have ignored all advise we have provided to them to help get their own house in order and secure their borders. We estimate that over the year thousands of terrorists have breached our borders via Canada due to their lax ways. This fence, which we have decided to call the Friendship Fence, will allow us to defend our northern border more effectively.”

When asked if this wall would have prevented the terrorists from coming into the United States and causing 9/11 the Secretary answered, “No. As it turns out none of the nineteen terrorists entered the United States from Canada.”

In fact the terrorists entered the US via either Mexico or by direct flight from Germany. You cannot build a wall between North America and Germany, and there are no solid plans to build one between the US and Mexico. “Let’s face it,” the Secretary pointed out, “people still need cheap labour and a wall along the Mexican border would be a total inconvenience.”

President George W Bush expressed his approval of the new security measures with the following statement. “The evil doers are out of luck here now in the United States now.”

Anyway… Humouroceros

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Freedom rings out on "Animal Farm"

Unauthorised photo of Attilla speaking at Manor Farm

It has been over fifty years since the earth-shaking events on Manor Farm that left the animals in control and humans not welcome, that it is all set to change this month. “Yes, it is quite true,” commented the current leader of Manor Farm, Attilla, great-grandson of the original leader, Napoleon. “Our fifty year experiment in Animal Socialism must be declared a failure. In spite of the face of wealth and prosperity we have been presenting to the outside world, the fact is that the farm is on the brink of bankruptcy. Our food supply is at a critically low level and many of the animals working on the farm have not been fed in weeks.” At this point Attilla’s statement ended and he retreated back into the farmhouse, refusing to answer any questions.

Thus ends the grand experiment, begun some fifty years ago on Manor Farm when the animals staged a coup, banishing all humans from the farm and renaming it Animal Farm. Little is known of the first few years of the farm although rumours of a gradual decline into a near police state have persisted. There were stories of a takeover by the pigs, and it is true that when limited contact with humans began the pigs did appear to be in charge with Napoleon as leader as well as an eventual change back to the original name of Manor Farm. All work on the farm has continued to be done by the animals without human help or supervision and up until recently things had appeared to be going well. And then the surprise announcement by leader Attilla.

Also for the first time in fifty years, reporters from the local farmers almanac, Pigs 'n Such, have been allowed on the farm to interview the animals firsthand. The first thing you notice when you enter the farm is the surprising number of sheep everywhere, yet trying to engage any of them in conversation is futile as all they do is run off and hide. Eventually we managed to meet Roscoe, one of the farm ducks who was willing to talk. “Well, you shouldn’t be too surprised at the sheep’s reaction. For generations we have been told “four legs good, two legs bad”, unless the pigs are walking on two legs then it was “four legs good, two legs better”. The sheep have always been the most dependable of the leader’s followers, and now the leader says the revolution was wrong. The sheep are understandably confused and upset.”

When asked what his own opinion was, Roscoe replied, “At this point in time I like the thought of change. The opportunity to take part in a free market economy is a welcome one.”

Thunder, one of the large horses employed on the farm, wasn’t sure what to make of the failure of Animal Socialism. “I don’t know,” he says. “It seems that we worked as had as we possibly could have, and still the leader says we failed. It just doesn’t seem right. I don’t like to say it, but I wonder if the failure wasn’t with the workers but if it was with the leaders? I might be…” At that point Thunder was hushed by one of the oldest donkeys I have ever seen. When I tried to speak to the donkey he turned his back on me and moved off.

I left the farm soon after and I have to wonder if I had been given a glimpse of “Animal Farm’s” future by the worker, Thunder. This mild and confused sense of dissatisfaction was rarely spoken of aloud, but it was present nevertheless. Is it possible that the leaders of Animal Socialism will have to deal with a revolution of their own? That would be totally unexpected and only time will tell.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Paid volunteers

The Vancouver Olympic Committee (VANOC) has, in it’s never ending quest to piss taxpayers’ money away without being accountable for it, has been joined by the governing party of British Columbia in the great 2010 Olympic money toss-a-thon. The BC Liberal party, under the newly steady hand of Captain Gordzilla Campbell, have taken the 2010 Olympic mantra of “spend more, waste more” to heart, will now be offering to pay civil servants who “volunteer” at the Games. The word is that any civil servant who “volunteers” will be paid half wages for up to fifteen days, and then have the option of using vacation time to make up the other half. Not too shabby.

When this move was criticized as a waste of taxpayers dollars (just like the Olympics themselves are) the government talking-heads all started squealing. Colin Hansen, the governments Olympic Czar says, “There (will) be no incremental cost to the taxpayer for a program like this. There (will) be no increased cost to government. Ministries are not gong to receive extra funding for the wages and benefits.” Well, sounds good. Except, under this program some people will be paid for not doing their jobs.

The BC Liberals say this is all good because the NDP government in 1994 did the same thing with the Commonwealth Games in Victoria. Premier Campbell explains, “The policy has been around for a long time. There’s been no change to the policy. It was there for the Commonwealth Games. I don’t remember anybody commenting about it then.” Right. Not counting the Liberal finance critic of the day, David Mitchell, who called the policy a “ludicrous waste of tax dollars.” Of course at the time, Campbell was pounding the liquor pretty hard so maybe he just forgot that at the time the Liberals were against this sort of policy. Also, back when the Liberals were in opposition they tended to spend every spare moment stabbing each other in the back, so perhaps Gordo was too busy plotting and conniving against his party mates to notice what the government was up to. Whatever, it’s all pretty handy today.

One complaint that I have heard is that this policy isn’t fair to all the real volunteers who have applied to help out at the Olympics. Even though I’m not at all interested in having the Olympics in this province and really wish that they could just be fobbed off (along with the upcoming huge debt) on some other province, Alberta say, or even Ontario or Quebec, I can sympathise. These are folks who are just trying to help out, and I can respect that, and getting bumped out by a “paid volunteer” has to hurt. Government in action as opposed to government inaction for once. Yeah, that’s about right.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Mmmm, coffee

From an artist, who's work I like.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Eggs (with milk) in bowl

Anyway... Humouroceros

Friday, February 15, 2008

Keith Olbermann

One of the cool things about is that you can usually check out all sorts of stuff that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to see if you had missed it in the first place. One thing I like to do is catch up on old episodes of Countdown With Keith Olbermann.

Keith Olbermann is a United Station newsman, political commentator, and sportscaster who has worked on the Fox news channel, with ABC radio, and who is currently with MSNBC doing the Countdown. He spends his time on-air criticizing the US right-wing, particularly the administration of G. W. Bush, and Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly. He has also gone after liberal politicos (like Ms Clinton), but I think it’s safe to say that his targets of choice are right-wingers (Mr. Olbermann has responded to accusations that he is a liberal by saying, “I’m not a liberal, I’m an American.”)

I find his commentaries to be balls of fire, and he doesn’t take prisoners. I would say that he uses the tactics of the right-wing, and he uses them well. He is loud and when something bugs him he lets you know about it. He uses humour and sarcasm and is adept at taking what people have said and tossing it back at them. The folks on the right-wing just don’t seem to be able to handle it.

I don’t mind Al Franken, but he seems to be a little too soft and as funnily vicious as he can be it sometimes seems that he wants to be liked by everybody (yeah, I could be wrong, but that’s okay). Keith doesn’t appear to care whether people like him or not, and I think that’s cool. Pour it on, Keith. Make ‘em sweat.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Check out:


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Better safe than worry

I don’t follow North American style football at all but I hear in the news that at this year’s Super Bowl half-time entertainment was provided by famed rockers, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. The conventional wisdom is that good buddy Tom was chosen to play because; 1) most people have at least heard of the guy, and; B) he’s safe. That’s go to be hard for a rocker guy to hear, that he is safe. Nobody really gets into rock and roll because they’re safe. At least that is probably what they tell themselves. In their own minds they are “rebels” and “bad dudes”, but apparently those days for Tom Petty are over. At least in the minds of the powers-that-be who arrange the shows for the Super Bowl. And those guys, and if fact many of our friends to the south (the US), are still reeling from “Nipplegate” at Super Bowl 38 (AKA: Super Bowl XXXVIII) in 2004.

To recap: part of the halftime entertainment for Super Bowl 38 was the singer/dancer Janet Jackson (sister of Tito, Jermaine and Marlon Jackson). She was doing some funky dance steps and “bustin’ some moves” when one of the “guys” onstage with her reached over and accidentally tore her costume open. Thus began the ‘breast heard ‘round the world’, also known as, “Nipplegate”. Of course all the usual suspects were outraged, with the right-wing political action group, the Parents Television Council, condemning the show and filing indecency complaints with the FCC (Federal Communications Commission), and several newspaper columnists complaining and even a US senator bringing the subject up in the US Senate (sure, there was a war going on with US soldiers dying, but you could see her HOOTER on TV. Now that’s serious!) The FCC received complaints from almost 540,000 United Stations, many of whom had, in a uniquely United Station reaction, pulled out their handguns and blasted their TVs. It was like the only place that hooters should be seen was in Internet porn and in men’s magazines (and in the Hooters sports-bars, obviously). I mean, yikes! It all sounded pretty serious. My thing is that I just don’t get what the uproar was all about.

Granted, I am Canadian and although I didn’t and don’t watch football on TV many of my fellow Canadians do (and did). The Canadian broadcasters of the game received about fifty complaints, mainly from people who whine about all sorts of things and who can be safely ignored. Below the 49th though, it was a wild situation. I’m not sure why, but it was. Was it the fact that certain people discovered that Janet Jackson was parading around packing a pair of breasts? Was it because Ms Jackson’s show was cut short due to her ruined top? Was it because their favourite team was winning/losing and they wanted to get back to the game? Or, and this is the reason that I am leaning towards, are these people just a little bit dim? So there was a split-second shot of a naked boob on TV. Big deal. Get your kids into therapy and move on. If the sight of a mostly naked breast is the worse thing in your life, drop to your knees and give thanks. If I were to be offended at all, and I’m not, it would be at the sight of that “nipple shield” thing that Ms Jackson was wearing. Now that was ugly.

I think the worse thing is that I suspect if Ms Jackson had some out wearing a burkha, and torn off that burkha then used a machinegun to perforate some guy dressed up like Osama Bin Laden, that would have been okay. She probably would have been hailed as a great patriot then, instead of some chick with a boob hanging out. Of course I could be wrong. I have been before.

Anyway… Humouroceros

One gawd ugly nipple shield

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Whose your daddy?

Word on the street is that Hugh Hefner, that hep-cat swinger fellow who founded Playboy magazine, wants to father a child (which would be his fifth). He and his bunny of the moment, Holly Madison (AKA: girlfriend number three) announced their hopes to the world’s press, and mentioned in passing that they had been having sex pretty much constantly for the past while, but so far no luck.

Hef-baby, who is on the downside of eighty-one years old, no doubt has his reasons for wanting to be a dad again, but it’s hard to figure out what those reasons might be. He already has four kids, he isn’t married to the girl (which isn’t a reason not to have a kid, I merely mention it in passing), and… He’s freaking old. He is eighty-one now and even if he manages to fire a Viagra assisted live one and kills the rabbit soon, he will be on the ugly side of eighty-two before any kid is born. So, in ten years? “Sorry son, daddy can’t play catch with you today. He’s having his pace-maker lubed.” Some fun. It does kind of look like he isn’t really thinking of any kid he may produce (using sperm that is way past it’s due date). It’s almost like it’s a vanity sort of thing. Like a few years back all the celebrities were hauling little, tiny dog-lets around with them as fashion accessories. These days anybody who is anybody is pounding out a kid. I would have hoped that Hef was a trend-setter, not a trend-follower.

Holly’s wants and needs are possibly a little clearer than the Hefsters are. “I want, like, a house and a kid,” she says, which is pretty special considering the order she put them in. A total cynic might be saying that if Holly gets Hef to rise to the occasion and they do conceive then she will be the mommy to another heir to the Playboy fortune. I suspect that the kid won’t get a fifth of the business, but s/he’ll do okay. And so will mom. At the very least mom will do better money-wise than she has posing nude, and how much longer can she do that? Posing nude seems to be a lot like playing hockey, at twenty eight (Holly’s age) your best years are behind you and popping out a kid for Playboy Enterprises is probably a good career move. But of course, only a complete cynic would even think something like that. Silly old cynics.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Holly and the Hefster
up in a tree
F-U-C uh...

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Buddy likes his energy drinks

Buddy likes his energy drinks. Every day he pounds like five or six of those babies and he acts pretty much like how you would expect him to. He is tense all the time and has a fuse that is pretty short, flying off the handle at the slightest provocation, or what he sees as provocation. It’s not really an ugly situation, but it’s a pretty good imitation. Last week I went up to him after one particularly unnecessary outburst and, to calm him down, I poked him in the chest and told him that that hypertension thing he had going was just going to cause his heart to pop right there in his chest. Just bang! Surprise, you’re dead! And if it went hard enough maybe he would take out anybody nearby.

Later on he came up to me and said, “Hey look!” He poked himself in the chest. “It’s not going to go boom, you know.”

“I wouldn’t bet the farm on that one, slim,” I answered. He scowled at me. “Oh, yeah? he said. “Well what you don’t know is that when my heart goes it’s going to be like a black hole. Essentially, it’s going to implode.” He made a sucking noise with his lips. “You guys won’t see nothing.”

“Hey, maybe you’ll implode so hard that everything will just fly out the other side.”

He eyed me suspiciously. “You know,” he said, “you sure are awfully interested in my heart exploding.”

“Not really. I’m just thinking that if it has to happen, and we agree that when it does you’re going to fly apart like a poorly built roller-coaster, then maybe I could get you to take out a couple of people for me. Maybe even wear a nail-belt or something. You know, to increase the carnage.”

“You know,” he said, “that’s kind of messed up, thinking like that.”

I nodded. “I was thinking of it more of as an efficient use of your impending violent demise rather than being messed up, so we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on that one for the moment. Here, look at it this way; those nuts who blow themselves up in the middle-east there. I’m sure that if their families know ahead of time, they’re kind of sad about it, but I’m sure that at least once someone has figured out that if life hands you lemons, make lemonade, right? Just get the prospective nut to have a couple of certain folks around when they set themselves off and there you go. You could clear up debts, get rid of pesky neighbours, do all sorts of things. Potentially quite handy, really.”

“So what you’re saying is, when I feel that my heart is about to go, I should gather certain people around who will be on a list you will give me so they get taken out when I go, right?”

“You got it, Pontiac.” I was happy he had understood so quickly.

“Yeah,” he said. “Alright. Sounds good.”

Anyway… Humouroceros

Friday, February 08, 2008

Super Tuesday

In my continuing bemusement regarding the election shenanigans going on south of the 49th this year (2008), I flicked on the old radio on the morning following Super-Tuesday (that would be Wednesday morning for the weekly-challenged). I follow the reporting on the CBC since they usually try to present both sides of a subject, without bias, which I like. Give me the facts, I say, and I’ll make up my own mind (big, old Bill O’Reilly of Fox News does not agree. He says the CBC gets it’s information directly from Havana, thus insinuating that they are Commies or something. You go, Bill). The reporter was speaking to people who had just voted in the primary and he happened upon one young fella who claimed he was a college student. This young guy said he hadn’t voted in the last election but he definitely would be this time because they had to get rid of George W Bush.

Now I know that I’m just a silly old Canadian who lives in a socialist country where I spend my days getting free medical care and cashing welfare cheques, but shouldn’t a US citizen who is also a college student know that G W Bush is done as president? He can’t run for president anymore (that darn two-limit thing that Reagan always threatened to do away with) and is now getting ready to retire to his spread in Crawford right after he nukes Iran? I just thought it was kind of funny that a college student who couldn’t be bothered to vote when it might have made a difference, says he wants to vote now for all the wrong reasons. Of course, the dude probably won’t even vote anyway so it’s really a moot point. The bright side is that come January, 2009 when the new president is getting sworn in, and it’s not G W Bush, this little college student will be able to brag to his lefty buddies that he had had a hand in the downfall of president Bush.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Our friends, the Japanese

Oh, yeah. The Japanese have it all figured out. When you are out there doing "scientific research" on whales, it's best to whack the calf as well as the adult whale. That way... Um, well... This is how... Well... If you really think about it. Um...

Anyway... Humouroceros