The longest undefended border in the world

US Congressman with clown foot in mouth

Anyone who has been smugly passing comments on how utterly clever we Canadians are while our good friends and neighbours to the south are a bunch of handgun totin’ dim-bulbs who would be hard put to find their own country on a world map can just stop making that noise right now. Very recent comments by US Congressman John Hostettler show that not only is he aware of Canada and that it is a country separate from the one he lives in, but he is also aware that Canada borders on his country and, in his words, “It is fair to say that the Canadian border is virtually unguarded.” Mister Hostettler is clearly a man of great insight and wisdom.

John, who is chairman of the House of Representatives subcommittee on immigration and border security, appears dumbfounded by the fact that Canadians as well as US citizens returning home from Canada do not need a passport to cross the border into the good old US of A. His dumbfoundedment is justified too once you consider that Canada is, as John says, a hotbed of Islamic extremists intent on inflicting their terrorist damage on their southern neighbours while Canadians (sit) in blissful ignorance of the danger in their midst. As proof he points to the recent arrests in the area known as South Toronto (a story by the way which becomes more bizarre every day) which apparently shows just how blissfully unaware and ignorant we Canadians are (oh, should I have underlined the word ‘arrests’?) I mean, we didn’t even know there was an area of Toronto called ‘South Toronto. How blissfully unaware can you get?

In the interests of fairness and just to show how much to the opposite of blissfully ignorant the subcommittee is they called in Canadian David Harris as a consultant. Mister Harris is a professional Canadian and has probably forgotten more about maple syrup and beavers than most people will ever know. His comments to the committee regarding Canada’s role as a “recruiting, planning, financing and launch point for international terrorism” were telling. It sure is a good thing that they were able to find one Canadian who is not blissfully unaware or anything.

All right, John. You’ve presented some compelling points, or point if anybody is going to be all finicky about accuracy. You’ve convinced me enough that my mission henceforth is to seek out all this Islamic extremism and expose it. I do have access to a digital camera so there will be pictures (although in the interests of not being sued I’ll probably black out the eyes of any terrorists I find. Those terrorists are pretty cunning I bet and they know how to use a lawyer) and you can take it from there. I have heard that in the interests of justice the forces of law and order in the US don’t worry too much about international borders, as shown by the extradition order against that marijuana terrorist from Vancouver (in British Columbia) (in Canada) last year.

I think we’re on the same page when I say how much we can miss the good old days. The good old days when “those people” knew their place and the whole concept of Islamic terrorism was a foreign as that guy doing your yard-work. Yes sir, back in the day we all had a great deal of pride in what was known as the longest undefended border in the world, yet it all seems so naive and quaint in today’s hurly burly world of international terrorism and pre-emptive diplomacy teamed with aggressive negotiation.

John, my friend (if I may be so bold), I have heard of your own legal problems in your own country from a couple of years back, and it sounds to me like it was some sort of liberal plot to bust your chops. Now, as you did plead guilty I have to assume that you actually did try to sneak a loaded handgun onto a plane in Louisville, Kentucky in 2004, three years after 9/11, but I’m sure you had your reasons for doing so. Perhaps you felt threatened by Canadian Islamic terrorists upset by your position on border security? Fair enough. Besides, let’s look at this honestly, John. You are a Congressman in the US Congress and the chances of you doing something really, really, really stupid with a loaded handgun in US airspace are pretty slim. Besides again, the murderers on 9/11, didn’t they use box-cutters? I think if the liberals hadn’t had a hand in your arrest and conviction the authorities would have just asked you to unload the handgun and keep the bullets in a separate pocket from the gun. This way there would have been no way for the gun to discharge accidentally, and if you had noticed an Islamic terrorist on the flight you could have simply loaded up and taken charge of the situation.

Be that as it may, I’ll see what I can do to help, John. I’ve got your back (in a purely heterosexual [that means that boys like girls] sort of way), and in spite of the thousands if not millions of people out there who think my good buddy John is a loud-mouthed, simple-minded creep or jerk, well you just pay no mind to them. You can count on me.

Anyway… Humouroceros