Friday, June 09, 2006

Jesus built my picnic table

Back in the Middle Ages there was a thriving business in religious relics. If one had the right connections and enough cash on hand, one could buy a chunk of the True Cross, the tray that John the Baptist’s head was displayed on, various bones from any Saint you could think of, a plate from the Last Supper, and pretty much anything else the sellers could imagine. My question is, where are all the wood projects that Jesus built as He was growing up?

Without meaning to sound all DaVinci Code-y, the four currently popular gospels are pretty light on any info regarding Jesus’ life post Birth and pre Passion. Did He travel? Did He start a business? Was He a singer in a thrash-metal rock band? These are all perfectly legitimate questions because the only thing that we can really sort of assume to be possibly true about this time in His life is that His mom’s husband, Joseph, probably taught Him His way around a hammer (which has a certain tiny amount of irony about it.)

One would think that the Guy who created one of the most successful religions ever, not to mention the thousands of sects that that religion has begat, would spend a little bit of His downtime some afternoons slapping together crafty little items for around the home. A bedside table perhaps, or maybe a bookcase. According to Mel Gibson, in his film The Passion Of The Christ, Jesus built the first kitchen table (and presumably spent some time afterward building a kitchen to put it in.)

It’s a funny market for the entrepreneurs of the Middle Ages to have missed. One would think that Jesus made meat platters or cutting boards would have sold like hotcakes. In fact unless one is limited by the limits of bad taste would a cross shaped letter opener have been too much? I bet Jesus could have knocked off a dozen of those in an afternoon. How about a … Well, never mind, but the money was there to be made and now it is an opportunity lost. You can be your bottom dollar that the current crop of religious charlatans would be all over this if they thought they could get away with it. E-Bay would be stacked to the rafters with knick-knacks and geegas all sporting the JC logo. That little weiner Jim Baker would do this in a second, and without a second thought.

I just remembered that on the first series of Black Adder they made a joke about a Jesus built spice-rack. That’s great.

Anyway… Humouroceros


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