2008

Yeah, I'm ready for the new year.

Bring it on.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The Daytyme light

I thought this looked cool.

Anyway... Humouroceros

In Touch

So this Tara chick is too thin because the hotels she stays in have no room service? With the obesity epidemic that the liberal media tell us is going on right now, shouldn't those obese people be staying in these hotels too? I notice that Bill the loser lost 164 pounds so does that mean that he stayed at these hotels?

Stars without makeup? I thought those guys had the makeup tattooed on so what's up with that?

I thought that Brad and Angelina were supposed to be referred to as BradAngelina or something like that. What's going on?


Who the heck is Jamie Lynn and who cares what Britney (Spears?) thinks about her pregnancy. I would think that Britney should be past the "thinking about it" stage and well into the "supporting Jamie Lynn" stage. Of course I don't live in Hollywood so I don't know how it all works down there.

I would have bought the magazine to find out more about these "stories" except that I don't care about them. Real life is way more interesting than this stuff. Still, it's something to wonder about while you're in the line-up at the grocery store.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Peter Jackson

Okay, I'm a little behind the curve on this one but I just read that Peter Jackson is going to be involved with the Hobbit movie (actually, "movies", plural). As I read it, he will not be writing or directing them, but he will be the producer. Here's the thing: Producer is good, but I fully expect Mr Jackson to Produce, Write, Direct, and Star in these movies. I understand that Pete is about half the man he was when he did the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, but this just means that I have double the expectations. And if I know Pete, he's up to it.

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: Yeah! Yeah! Peter Jackson! Yeah! Peter freakin' Jackson! Yeah!

Shirts

I like shirts with buttons in the front because they are hard to accidentally put on backwards.

Happy Christmas

Anyway... Humouroceros

The Christmas/cancer connection

What is it with the Chinese and lead? I think everybody has heard of the toys with lead paint, and that was pretty bad, but now it looks as though they have decided to directly attack Christmas. These lights are for Christmas (whether it says so on the box or not. When else are you going to use little lights?) and, just to be festive, the Chinese added lead to the electrical wires ("coated"? Yeah, with lead). Now everybody knows that the Chinese government is top-heavy with godless Communists but come on, this is a bit much. As everybody knows, Christmas is one of the top three holidays in the west (along with Thanksgiving and Halloween), and to spread lead with the Christmas cheer at this time is just in poor taste.

Anyway... Humouroceros

I am a road-rage survivor

I remember it like it was yesterday, which it was. I was heading out on one of our single-lane hi-ways, enjoying the morning and the rare winter-time opportunity of actually driving the speed-limit in December. The roads were bare, clear and dry, and visibility was unlimited. Beauty.

Up ahead I could see a small black sports-car (AKA: a "chick-magnet" or a "penis-extender"), which appeared to be traveling along a lot slower than the posted suggested speed-limit (of 80 KPH). The center-line was broken and there was no oncoming traffic so passing was not only legal, but safe as well. As an added bonus, the sports-car pulled over into the bike lane, with his signal light flashing, giving me more room to pass. Very nice, I thought as I went by him.

Then I noticed that the car had sped up to keep up with me. In fact, he was so close that I could only see the roof of the car out the rear window of the Jeep, and the glare of his lights was lighting up the window (which wasn't as clean as it could have been, but there you go). Whatever's right, I figured, and carried on. About ten miles later the glare disappeared and I figured that he had turned off but nope, he was still there, as close as ever. Then the glare reappeared for a mile or so, then disappeared, then came back. That's odd, I thought as I turned on my signals to right-turn off the hi-way and on to where I was going. That's when he pulled up even closer, lights glaring, and started to honk his horn. I continued on up the side-road, listening bemusedly as he continued to honk his horn as he traveled away down the hi-way. Funny old world, I shrugged to myself (it's okay to shrug to yourself, as long as you don't shrug back. I checked.)

Later on I was telling some friends about this strange little incident and one of them asked, "So this dude tailgated you down the hi-way for miles, high-beaming you in slow motion?"

"I guess that's one possible interpretation," I said, "sure."

"Man," he said, "you sure must have pissed him off."

This came as a bit of a shock. "Pissed him off? How?"

"I dunno. Maybe he was one of those road-rage guys."

"Road-rage guys?" I considered. "You mean one of those stunted losers who believes that the world revolves around them and their maturity-challenged needs, and who upon discovering that this is not the case and that most others refuse to placate them every time something doesn't go the way they want it to, has a little hissy-fit? You mean one of those little, tiny, man-lets, who believes it is his right to wave his arms and blubber like a little baby in a poop saturated diaper any time his every slightest whim is not satisfied? Except that deep down they all know that they are in the wrong and that everybody looks at them with disgust so that being the true cowards they are they hide behind a meaningless psycho-babble term like 'road-rage'? Is that what you mean?"

"Right," he answered, "exactly."

So. Now I'm wondering if there is a support group I can join or something. For support, like. People who will understand the pain of my experience and all that I have endured. For support, like. Yeah. I'll get right on that the very moment that I have finished this coffee, and a few other things I want to do.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The mobile mosh-pit

Here's one from the archives: During the 2000 Presidential race in the good, old, US of A (recently changed to "the God, old, US of A"), Michael Moore toured Iowa with the mobile mosh-pit, trying to get the Presidential candidates to jump in and surf in exchange for an official endorcement from Moore's show, the Awful Truth. There is some excellent footage of the Presidential candidates of the day with frozen smiles glued to their faces as they do their best to pretend that they are 'hip' and 'with-it', and one was even so 'hip' and 'with-it' that he phoned the cops. Then along came Republican Presidential candidate Alan Keyes. It took a little bit of persuading, but Mr Keyes took teh bull by the horns and, to the Rage Against The Machine tune, Guerilla Radio, he hopped into the pit and surfed like a pro.

Now that was pretty cool, I thought, and while I am not a citizen of the US of A, I decided then and there that had I been, Alan Keyes would have been in the top ten of those I would have voted for. It gets better though.

A few days later the Repbulican candidates had a debate in New Hampshire where candidate Gary Bauer attacked Keyes for taking part and moshing to "the Machine Rages On" who are, apparently, anti-family and pro-terrorist. This was news to me because I've been listening to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE for some years now and those are messages that I have missed, so thanks Gary. You sound like a total dick, but thanks anyway.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Check out the action at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=l2JHzj2j5Jw

"America is under attack"

Henry Rollins is pissed off most of the time and that's good because somebody has to be, and it kind of takes the pressure off. But not really. I find that when he rants about some things he is saying what I think, but I just never put it the way that he can. I don't agree with everything he says, but then my favourite saying is: In a room where everybody thinks the same, nobody thinks very much.

I found the following on YouTube and the transcript on The Impious Digest. There is some swearing in it but that's alright. If someone is more bothered by the swearing than they are by the points he is making, well, whatever I guess.

Henry Rollins Clip Transcript:

Freedom is under attack...under attack by hysterical and well-funded Christian psychotics; intellectually undernourished leaders who lie and manipulate information; over-fed, Baby Huey, coward-bitch motherfuckers like Karl Rove and their suck-up coward-weakling apologists like Sean Hannity. To question authority is to be somehow unpatriotic? Un-American? And in league with terrorists worldwide? Fuck you!

With even election results becoming more and more questionable, the Constitution a thing to be manipulated, ignored, and frivolously amended; even democracy itself seems to be on the run. So where's the one place you can go and tell your version of the truth? Rail against liars, fakes, and propagandists with your own unique propaganda, sign your name to it, and let the whole world know how you feel? That's right. The Internet, perhaps responsible for the most substantial shifts in culture in the last several decades. There's so much freedom and potential on the world-wide-web, that one is barely able to get their head around it. Who in the right mind would dare to regulate or charge websites to be on the Internet? Who would dare to rain on a parade so fantastic that many of us would not know what to do without our high-speed connection and our lives on the Internet?

Actually, some very powerful forces. Telco companies want to make you pay for your site to be carried on the Internet. If you can't afford to pay, guess what? You’re cyber-history pal. The Bush Administration wants major Internet and phone companies to keep track of where their customers surf- all in the name of the War on Terror doncha know?

How much do want to bet they want the Internet regulated, contained, and thrown into a cell at Guantanamo Bay? For a country that talks so much about freedom on the march, seems to me that some people want anything but.

If they come for your freedom, you must not only resist, you must strike back with a vengeance that will stun them. On this front, if your anger and outrage are not on the forefront, then you're already dead. Dead to me anyway. Fuck these cowards! These traitors! These enemies of democracy!

Thanks for watching the show this season.

Never relent

****************************

Anyway... Humouroceros

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ut9-hgFbJWs

http://impiousdigest.com/index.php

Santabuse

The news this time of year just gets weirder and weirder. To clear the air, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a right-wing, religious nut, bug-sucker. However, every so often something comes up that gets that bunch (the right-wing, religious nut, bug-suckers) all bent out of shape and I agree with them. Rare, but it does happen. Santa, for example. So from me and all the right-wing, religious nut, bug-suckers out there to all the politically correct monkey-butts out there; leave Santa alone!

Out of Australia: Santa has been ordered not to say "Ho Ho Ho", as some women find this insulting. Santa laughing insults Australian women. For the past one hundred years, or whatever, whenever Santa has laughed in Australia, any nearby women have been insulted. Santa laughs = Australian women insulted. Nope, it doesn't matter how I type it, it's still stupid. Any women, or men, who are insulted whenever Santa laughs should probably be in therapy. Run, do not walk, and get help.

I think this one is out of Canada: Santa has been advised not to laugh "Ho Ho Ho", but rather, "Ha Ha Ha". Apparently the politically correct community has discovered that "Ho Ho Ho" scares the crap out of kids. Okay, lets not waste any time here; This is stupid so bug off you nimrods. "Ho Ho Ho" does not scare kids so would you please get a grip. Sheesh!

This one is probably North American: Santa's weight is not a good image to send to kids. I think this one is from all the people who have kids who say they want to be fat like Santa when they grow up. Hmmm... Yup, sorry. This one is stupid too.

So how about this; All the politically correct goons out there can bug off, smarten up and just generally pull their heads out of their butts, and that would be nice. How's that for a deal?

Anyway... Humouroceros

Some people

A couple of years back a buddy of mine was out plowing a friends driveway with the plow on his truck (a Ford F-250 if I'm not mistaken). He was just finished when a lady from down the street who had been watching came up and asked if he would do her driveway. "What the hey," he figured and off he went and cleared the snow from her driveway in thirty seconds flat. The lady came up to thank him and to offer him some money. "No worries," he told her. "It only took a minute and it was my pleasure."

She insisted so to make her happy he said, "Give me five bucks and we'll call it even."

She got indignant. "Five dollars!" she said. "For plowing my driveway in less than a minute?"

Sometimes you just don't have to make stuff up. Real life can be weird enough.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The puffer folk

I’ve been noticing some stuff in the news lately about those who smoke, whereby they are beginning to feel as though they are some sort of oppressed people. Some of them believe their rights are being infringed and they are being treated like second class citizens. Butts (or ciggies, or darts, or cancer-sticks, or coffin-nails, or fags, or any of the other wacky names they come up with for their addiction) are legal and if someone wants to poison themselves as well as their children, so be it. You go right ahead. As long as the government is pulling in tons of money in taxes on the product and as long as you die before you cost the health-care system too much it will remain legal so fly at it. Just, how about out of common courtesy, you keep that smelly crap away from me?

I know, I have heard from the oppressed about how non and former smokers (your humble servant, sir) are being unreasonable. They all remember how it was back in the “good old days” when your average nicotine addict was allowed and even encouraged to puff away in restraunts, theaters, during surgery and while filling their car gas-tanks. But now, with the anti-smoking crusades in full swing and health-nuts and anti-smoking Nazis hiding behind every corner they have to go outside into the fresh air to get their hit. To their minds, this is just not right.

My perspective is that I don’t allow my dog to pee on people, not even smokers. As far as the smokers go, this is an urge I fight constantly. I mean, they smell already so what is a little dog pee going to matter? Never-the-less, I do fight that urge and my dog is forced to hold it until we come to a fire-hydrant or a televangelist. So here’s the deal: smokers, just keep the stink of your addiction to yourself, and I will continue to stop my dog from peeing on you. Now you can’t say fairer than that, can you?

Anyway… Humouroceros

Tammy Faye

A while back I was pounding away on one of the cardio bikes at the gym, getting the heart-rate up and the blood-pressure down. I had the old I-Pod cranked with the usual bunch of rowdies (Ozzy, Iggy and the usual cornucopia of punk-rock combos) and I was, like, totally into it.

Next thing I know, buddy on the next bike was poking me in the shoulder. I popped an ear-phone and politely (for me) asked, "Why are you bugging me?"

"Wasn't that inspiring?" he asked, with a simple look of (you should excuse the expression) rapture on his mug. I had just been listening to Lust For Life by Iggy Pop, although there was no way for him to have known that. "Uh, yeah," I answered, "I mean, no. What?"

"That," he said, nodding towards the TV in front of us. It appeared to be showing the Larry King Live show and while I couldn't hear what Larry and the goober on his show were talking about, the caption read, "Tammy Faye's last words".

"You mean Tammy Faye's last words?" I asked and buddy nodded. "Right," I said, "what were they? 'So long, suckers'? 'Gotcha', maybe? Did she offer to take a personal message to the Lord for a donation of $10 or more?" By this time buddy's visage had settled into a vicious pout and was totally ignoring me, so I plugged my ear-phone back in and carried on.

In retrospect, as horrible as Tammy Faye was, her ex-husband, Jim, was way worse. Jim is a hundred pounds of awful in a fifty pound bag. He is a greed-head of the old school with the morals of a back-alley con-man. He firmly believes that the old and the ill are there to steal from and if that doesn't get you into Heaven then nothing will.

Years back the guy was hooked after he nailed a "church" secretary and stole a bunch of money from the faithful. Next thing you now he's weeping as he is led off to jail and the authorities are auctioning off his $6000 coal powered dog polisher. After a short stint cleaning the toilets of the other cons for cigarettes the laws of man and God forgave him and he was released back into the streets with an urge to steal from the dim and the dumb so intense that he had keep his hands in his pockets at all time and wear dark glasses.

That only lasted so long and now the dude's back at it with his new family in tow and I'm sure he's doing well. We all know what's born every minute and besides, who wouldn't want to donate some extra cash to a tired old fraud so you could receive a genuine copy of a sword as actually worn by one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, suitable for display in your very own apartment? I mean, really.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Jim and Tammy, right at home

Edmonton, brutal

In February of this year (2007) I was up in Edmonton, Alberta, taking care of some business. I rented a car while there and then, as is my custom, I preceded to get lost three or four times a day. I have found over the decades that this is a pretty good way to explore a city you don't know. My theory is that if you don't know what you're looking for you just might find something interesting anyway. This method doesn't work all the time, but it works enough that I am satisfied with it (another method I have employed is the Douglas Adams/Dirk Gently 'car following technique' whereby you choose a car at random and follow it. The belief is that while you may not get to where you want to be, you may get to where you need to be. This works as well as you might expect it to and yes, I have been late to work more than once.) At any rate, after a few days all was done and I flew back west to sunny (and warm) British Columbia. Case closed, or so I thought.

On June 15th of that same year I received a letter claiming that I had been clocked cruising around Edmonton at about 22K over the posted speed limit and the Edmonton law enforcement community takes a dim view of this sort of behaviour. Apparently I was now the proud owner of a $130 (Can) traffic fine. The letter also informed me that if I cared to dispute this, a court date had been set aside on June 5, 2007. Being as it was now ten days past that date, things were a little tricky.

They enclosed a photo of the car, presumably as it was speeding, and further informed me that there was no real point in disputing the charges as the camera was operated by highly trained professionals and, in fact, had been checked out just before and again just after the infraction was recorded. So, alright, fair cop. I'm busted. And I have learned my lesson for the next time I visit Edmonton, which will be just after Hell freezes over and wild flocks of pigs are sighted roosting in the Albertan Legislature. I would guess that I am half way there.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The official notice:

Ten days late and thirty pounds of dumb