Saturday, December 08, 2007

Tammy Faye

A while back I was pounding away on one of the cardio bikes at the gym, getting the heart-rate up and the blood-pressure down. I had the old I-Pod cranked with the usual bunch of rowdies (Ozzy, Iggy and the usual cornucopia of punk-rock combos) and I was, like, totally into it.

Next thing I know, buddy on the next bike was poking me in the shoulder. I popped an ear-phone and politely (for me) asked, "Why are you bugging me?"

"Wasn't that inspiring?" he asked, with a simple look of (you should excuse the expression) rapture on his mug. I had just been listening to Lust For Life by Iggy Pop, although there was no way for him to have known that. "Uh, yeah," I answered, "I mean, no. What?"

"That," he said, nodding towards the TV in front of us. It appeared to be showing the Larry King Live show and while I couldn't hear what Larry and the goober on his show were talking about, the caption read, "Tammy Faye's last words".

"You mean Tammy Faye's last words?" I asked and buddy nodded. "Right," I said, "what were they? 'So long, suckers'? 'Gotcha', maybe? Did she offer to take a personal message to the Lord for a donation of $10 or more?" By this time buddy's visage had settled into a vicious pout and was totally ignoring me, so I plugged my ear-phone back in and carried on.

In retrospect, as horrible as Tammy Faye was, her ex-husband, Jim, was way worse. Jim is a hundred pounds of awful in a fifty pound bag. He is a greed-head of the old school with the morals of a back-alley con-man. He firmly believes that the old and the ill are there to steal from and if that doesn't get you into Heaven then nothing will.

Years back the guy was hooked after he nailed a "church" secretary and stole a bunch of money from the faithful. Next thing you now he's weeping as he is led off to jail and the authorities are auctioning off his $6000 coal powered dog polisher. After a short stint cleaning the toilets of the other cons for cigarettes the laws of man and God forgave him and he was released back into the streets with an urge to steal from the dim and the dumb so intense that he had keep his hands in his pockets at all time and wear dark glasses.

That only lasted so long and now the dude's back at it with his new family in tow and I'm sure he's doing well. We all know what's born every minute and besides, who wouldn't want to donate some extra cash to a tired old fraud so you could receive a genuine copy of a sword as actually worn by one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, suitable for display in your very own apartment? I mean, really.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Jim and Tammy, right at home


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