Sunday, February 24, 2008

America is now completely secure!

" Don't even bother," the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Defence advises the terrorist hoards

In an unexpected yet welcome address to the nation recently, the Secretary of Homeland Defence, Michael Chertoff, announced that as of 12:05 AM EDT, the continental United States is now completely secure from terrorist attack. “There is now absolutely no way for terrorists to enter the United States any more. Security technologies developed since the 9/11 attacks have made it possible for us to 100% identify any terrorist who tries to enter this country, including Alaska and much of Hawaii.”

In an unprecedented display of openness the Secretary displayed the new technologies that now guarantee America’s security. First and foremost it the face recognition technology that has been grafted with patented body-language reader programs. “This will be the frontline defence of our new security regime with a proven effectiveness of 97.7%,” claims Secretary Chertoff. “Every entrance point to the United States has been equipped with these systems and each is capable of scanning the faces of 1700 people per minute. Each facial profile is compared to our criminal and terrorist database in Washington, DC, and an instant alert goes out when a threat suspect is detected. This is very expensive technology but it has been proven effective and will be a great asset to our nation’s security.”

When asked if this technology would have prevented the tragedy of 9/11 the Secretary answered, “Oh no. All those guys were complete unknowns.”

The second security measure introduced was devised to monitor domestic security. “We were concerned with the possibility of sleeper agents who may already be in the United States. Remember, some of the 9/11 terrorists live in the US for up to five years before they acted. It is possible that there are terrorists living among us right now. Staring at your wife, selling cigarettes to minors, toying with your children on the Internet. These people must be found and incarcerated or sent to ally nations for intense interrogation. Therefore, beginning this morning we have initiated the first nation-wide security watch protocols. Anybody who observes someone of, say, Arab descent behaving in an un-American manner can call our 1-900 number and report what they have seen. From that point it is up to us to lock down the suspect. Our specially trained terrorist lock-down teams are on 24/7 alert and are all within twenty minutes of anywhere in America as we speak. We have very high hopes for this initiative which places security directly in the hands of the American people.”

When asked if this initiative would have prevented the terror attacks of 9/11 the Secretary was forced to admit that they would not have. “No. Those guys were under the radar for the entire time they lived in the United States.”

The third and final security measure now in force had been completed just the night before. “We in North America have been living in a dream-world for long enough and it is time that we woke up to modern realities. We in the United States can defend our own borders but we are unwilling to defend our neighbours borders, therefore we have just completed a twenty foot wall along the longest formerly undefended border between us and our neighbours to the north in Canada. As we all know, Canadians will allow pretty much anybody into their country and they have ignored all advise we have provided to them to help get their own house in order and secure their borders. We estimate that over the year thousands of terrorists have breached our borders via Canada due to their lax ways. This fence, which we have decided to call the Friendship Fence, will allow us to defend our northern border more effectively.”

When asked if this wall would have prevented the terrorists from coming into the United States and causing 9/11 the Secretary answered, “No. As it turns out none of the nineteen terrorists entered the United States from Canada.”

In fact the terrorists entered the US via either Mexico or by direct flight from Germany. You cannot build a wall between North America and Germany, and there are no solid plans to build one between the US and Mexico. “Let’s face it,” the Secretary pointed out, “people still need cheap labour and a wall along the Mexican border would be a total inconvenience.”

President George W Bush expressed his approval of the new security measures with the following statement. “The evil doers are out of luck here now in the United States now.”

Anyway… Humouroceros

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