Saturday, February 09, 2008

Buddy likes his energy drinks

Buddy likes his energy drinks. Every day he pounds like five or six of those babies and he acts pretty much like how you would expect him to. He is tense all the time and has a fuse that is pretty short, flying off the handle at the slightest provocation, or what he sees as provocation. It’s not really an ugly situation, but it’s a pretty good imitation. Last week I went up to him after one particularly unnecessary outburst and, to calm him down, I poked him in the chest and told him that that hypertension thing he had going was just going to cause his heart to pop right there in his chest. Just bang! Surprise, you’re dead! And if it went hard enough maybe he would take out anybody nearby.

Later on he came up to me and said, “Hey look!” He poked himself in the chest. “It’s not going to go boom, you know.”

“I wouldn’t bet the farm on that one, slim,” I answered. He scowled at me. “Oh, yeah? he said. “Well what you don’t know is that when my heart goes it’s going to be like a black hole. Essentially, it’s going to implode.” He made a sucking noise with his lips. “You guys won’t see nothing.”

“Hey, maybe you’ll implode so hard that everything will just fly out the other side.”

He eyed me suspiciously. “You know,” he said, “you sure are awfully interested in my heart exploding.”

“Not really. I’m just thinking that if it has to happen, and we agree that when it does you’re going to fly apart like a poorly built roller-coaster, then maybe I could get you to take out a couple of people for me. Maybe even wear a nail-belt or something. You know, to increase the carnage.”

“You know,” he said, “that’s kind of messed up, thinking like that.”

I nodded. “I was thinking of it more of as an efficient use of your impending violent demise rather than being messed up, so we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on that one for the moment. Here, look at it this way; those nuts who blow themselves up in the middle-east there. I’m sure that if their families know ahead of time, they’re kind of sad about it, but I’m sure that at least once someone has figured out that if life hands you lemons, make lemonade, right? Just get the prospective nut to have a couple of certain folks around when they set themselves off and there you go. You could clear up debts, get rid of pesky neighbours, do all sorts of things. Potentially quite handy, really.”

“So what you’re saying is, when I feel that my heart is about to go, I should gather certain people around who will be on a list you will give me so they get taken out when I go, right?”

“You got it, Pontiac.” I was happy he had understood so quickly.

“Yeah,” he said. “Alright. Sounds good.”

Anyway… Humouroceros


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