Pee-wee Herman

The stories I am hearing say that Pee-wee Herman is back, and it is about time!

Anyway... Humouroceros

PETA are funny

The recent biological terrorist attack in Canada by an operative of what has been described as the terrorist organization, PETA, has brought the here-to-fore little regarded organization to the fore-front of international terrorist reduction and elimination organizations. In my continuing efforts to reduce the effects of terrorist activities worldwide, I have taken it upon myself to investigate PETA by any and all means available.

Of course in this modern age of the information super-hi-way the first place I bootled off to was Google (Google may have knuckled under to the Chinese dictatorship in order to get into China and suck up a few bucks, but isn't that the very definition of capitalism? "Fuck you Jack, it's good for me?" Huh?) Now I must stress that I am a self-trained professional so don't try this at home. Okay, go ahead. This first thing I found out was that this organization, PETA, has it's own web-site. Now that is so weird. I mean, terrorist groups like al-Qa'ida, the IRA and the Sons of Katie Elder don't have web-sites, but PETA does. I was shocked, if bemused, to find that this shameless terrorist organization was putting up all their dastardly deeds (along with a lot of naked pictures of hot chicks, and some video too!) online for anybody with a half-decent computer and an Internet connection to see.

I rapidly scanned their home-page and quickly zoned in on a link near the bottom: Canadian Seal Slaughter. This link lead to an Olympic Shame 2010 page, and I am forced to admit that for a moment I was almost onside with this particular terrorist group ('almost' because of my own particular feelings regarding the olympic disaster about the engulf this province all too soon.) I explored further, clicking on "Why Is Canada Killing Seals (I had thought it was because there was an international market for seal fur, but I am always willing to hear other views.) Out of six paragraphs at the link there is one sentence RE: the fur, "The seal slaughter exists because of the overall demand for fur." Spot on! And other than terrorist acts what does PETA suggest that folks do about the annual seal hunt? I am forced to quote, first that "kind people everywhere are calling on the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee to use it's influence to help stop the slaughter", and second, "Boycott a product that is vital to Canada's economy: maple syrup"!!!

Hmmm... So you can write a letter to the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee (known as VANOOC, pronounced "VAN-OOK" or "dick-heads") and/or you can boycott maple syrup. Right. Let's see... In the first place, even if you use the handy little form letter provided by PETA (for those terrorists who are a little short of time) VANOOC does not care about you or your quaint little concerns. At all. Even a little bit. They don't care about the people in British Columbia and they especially don't care about some seals at the other end of the country. Now, in the second place, maple-frigging-syrup?! At first I thought that it would maybe make a little more sense to boycott, I don't know, maybe seal-fur, and then I finally got it. PETA is not a terrorist organization, they are more of a funny online humour thing, like the Onion is, except apparently they have a finely honed sense of irony, which I am not used to seeing in people south of the 49th (the United States). It would appear that Ms McCoy, who recently "attacked" a Federal Minister in Canada was just doing performance art.

Man, good one.

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: This view explains why in a video montage of the seal hunt on the PETA site they added in blood in at least one of the clips. I mean, it has to be a joke, right? Obviously anybody who lies to make their point hasn't got much of a point in the first place and is probably not to be trusted.

Québébois surgeons in Haiti

The news hit the Internet with all the subtlety of a Christian fundamentalist politician in the United States denying health-care to his illegal alien gardener; a group of orthopedic surgeons out of Quebec who had volunteered to help out in Haiti after that country had been devastated by an earthquake, had contacted the Minister of Health, Yves Bolduc, in La belle province (Quebec) asking to be paid for their time in Haiti. Outrage was instant with some crying, "The lizards leaping! Paid for volunteering? It is diabolic! Mon Dieu, I give up! Light my cigarette, Phillipe. Merci." Meanwhile, Minister Yves is looking into the matter and I don't know if it will help but here is my usual 2 cents.

Of course these dudes should be paid! These surgeons are providing an extremely valuable set of skills in a time of need and it just does not seem reasonable to expect their families back in Quebec (La belle province) to sink into destitution just because their sugar-daddies are away. And $704.00 (CAN) per day? That's cheap! Just try buying a house for $704.00 (CAN)! YOU CAN'T! Not even in Quebec. So that is good value. I do have just one observation though: Why should the Quebec medical plan pay them? Hundreds of millions of dollars have been collected world-wide for Haitian relief. Why are these surgeons not being paid out of this fund?

Just wondering.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Betty White

Look at her eyes. I know I wouldn't mess with her. Nope.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Terrorist strike in Canada - whoop!

The headline could not help but catch my eye. The gist of it was, were our friends to the south (the United States) doing enough to prevent the importation of terrorist acts? As I read, the Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism has decided that "it is more likely that not" that a biological WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction, duh) will be used in a terrorist attack "sometime in the world by the end of 2013"

Well talk about closing the barn door after the cows have been turned into hamburger and milkshakes on a nearby hi-way! As it turns out the very day before this report was released there was a terrorist biological attack in Canada! An operative (or "terrorist") from the well known terrorist organization known as PETA used a biological weapon in an attack on a minister of the Crown, the right-honourable Gail Shea, the Federal Fisheries Minister. At this point it is not clear whether the weapon was smuggled across the border into Canada or whether it was assembled in Canada by persons unknown, but the fact of the weapons actual use are undeniable.

One Emily McCoy, 37, out of the terrorist training camps of New York City, USA, with malice aforethought pushed what has been described by some as, "a tofu pie" into the face of Minister Shea. She then began yelling, "Shame on you, Canada" while being lead away by ministerial security buddies. She was later charged with assault. This is Ms McCoy's second offence in Canada as in October of 2009 she disrupted a meeting held by this same minister. One supposes that Ms McCoy is grateful that she was caught in Canada rather than her homeland of the United States, as Canadians, as a very general rule, are not prone to sending suspected terrorists off to some third-party country for an extended round of torture and finger breaking. I wonder what would have happened if Ms McCoy had interrupted a meeting headed by Donald Rumsfeld back in the day, and then three months later smoked him with a "tofu pie". I suspect she would have been on the next plane to Syria for some aggressive interrogation before being released, naked and drugged to the gills in one of the less popular areas of Amsterdam. That is just a guess, of course.

Still, as this is Ms McCoy's second offence in Canada it is probable that she will receive a rather severe sentence. I should imagine she will get away with a firm finger-wagging and a suspended sentence, and that ought to take care of this nonsense. Then ship her home!

Yeah!

Anyway... Humouroceros

A German WW 2 photo of an original WMD pie

Anvil shooting

Gay Wilkinson is known as a champion anvil shooter. Honestly, our friends to the south (the United States) will blow up anything! Anyway, Mister Wilkinson blows anvils into the air, and it looks pretty cool. During one video on YouTube he says that when women find out what he does they ask why. Guys just say that it sounds cool and want to see. I don't know it that is profound or not, but it will do. Anyway check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhQ4dE_RGnQ&feature=related and see what I mean.

Anyway... Humouroceros

H.S.T.

.


Yeah, that's about it.

Anyway... Humouroceros

The Blade-masters of Knitez'ov Nii province

There have been many famous warrior societies down through the ages including the Spartans, the Vikings, the Knights of the Round Table, the Japanese samurai, the Bolivian Bolto Freedatta, and many others. All warrior societies with the sole purpose of studying and practicing the art of battle. One group rarely mentioned in martial histories is the Blade-masters of Knitez'ov Nii province in southern Kastir. For well over a century at the turn on the first millennium the Blade-masters studied the theory and practiced the art of fighting with edged weapons. They were successful right up until the twin dooms of the spotted death (a pox of some kind?) and the eruption of Mount Forge, which all but wiped the Blade-masters out. Today little is known of their society.

One thing that is known of the Blade-masters is their unrivaled skill with the most unique bladed weapon ever used: the hinged sword. As any true swordsmith will admit, there is much more to building a good sword than merely sharpening a length of steel and putting a handle on it, and the basic design of the hinged sword is even more complicated yet. Essentially each hinged sword is three bladed, with the first two bladed attached to the handgrip with a pressed tang, and the third blade attached to the first two by a pin thus allowing the third blade to swing freely in a 360 degree angle. The third blade was also weighted to give added momentum and more force to the strike.

These swords had six cutting edges (one on each side of each of the support blades, and one on each side of the primary/swing blade) and in the right hands with the right training they were a far more deadly weapon than any other sword then, or now, in existence (even including the famous blades created in Japan during the Marimaku Shogunate.) The added speed of a strike, magnified by the weighted outer blade off the hinge, would have an equivalent CCPSI (Cutting Pressure Per Square Inch) factor of 4.7 over an equally weighted traditional blade. This is greater than the SFPSI (Striking Force Per Square Inch) ratio between a set of nunchuks and a metre long stick, which is 2.9.

The Blade-masters chose promising young people at a very young age and immediately began training in the forms of the hinged-blade. These were heavily stylized movements used in discipline training and in training for the unique weight shifting properties of the hinged-blade. After some years of training the most worthy would move on to using a practice blade and then each would have a custom blade made for them by their particular clan's swordsmith. At that time each would be unrivaled as a close quarter fighter.

There are no complete records (and, indeed, few incomplete records) of battles with the Blade-masters but what little information there is describes the hiss of the whirling blades which would pause for an instant, then cut through an opponents sword, and then through the opponent, with blinding speed.

Of course there are no original examples of the Blade-master's swords in existence today, and virtually all that we know of them is due to the fragmentary writings of some of their neighbours and a few fanciful artworks showing their special swords in action. There have been a few attempts over the years to replicate these ancient blades using original materials and techniques, all to no avail. One day, perhaps, a modern swordsmith will rediscover the original techniques of the Blade-master swordsmiths and then once more the hiss of the hinged blade will be heard.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Prorogue the olympics!

On the CBC radio show As It Happens I heard a caller who was responding to Hizzonour big Steve Harper's proroguing of Parliment with the opinion that he wished they would proroue the olympics, for about a hundred years. Man, I wish I had thought of that.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Dead kittens

Man. How many kittens have you killed? Just wondering.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Breasts bad, yoo-hoos okay!

I was looking at some Pen & Teller: Bullshit on YouTube and I was strangely attracted to one called Breast Hysteria. Of course this being YouTube they blurred out any breasts that may have appeared, but I noticed that the lady they were interviewing above, while they blurred the hooters in the painting behind her, they didn't blur the paintings yoo-hoo. That is just so unexpected.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Airport insecurity

In yet one more (probably futile) attempt to make our friends to the south (the United States) feel safe, the government announced that it would be installing 44 machines at airports all across the country that will generate three-dimensional images of air-travellers bodies. Officials are trying to reassure the travelling public that the security people who will be monitoring the scanner images will be in a separate room from where the traveller is being scanned in order to protect their privacy, and I should think so too! The privacy of these security people is too important to be disturbed by those who they are looking at naked pictures of. I can only assume that these rooms will be sound-proofed as well so that the hoots of "woo hoo" and "look at that" will not be heard by the general travelling public.



As is so often the case with cases of increasing security exacting a cost in personal privacy, there are those who are against what is being called the "peeping-Tom program". Critics have pointed out that this multi-million dollar purchase of untested technology is merely the latest over-reaction to another intelligence failure (security officials were for some reason unable to flag Umar Farouk Abdulmatallab, the Nigerian bomber, as a dangerous radical even though Umar's own father had reported him as a dangerous radical.) To those in charge the obvious answer was that rather than tighten up the intelligence gathering protocols it would make more sense to offend all airline travellers with virtual strip searches. Micheal Vonn of the British Columbia Civil Liberties Union disagrees, saying, "There's no benefit to looking at hundreds of millions of people naked who are completely innocent. If you are looking for a needle in a haystack, you don't add more hay."



Mark Salter who is an associate professor at the University of Ottawa's school of political studies, and who possibly views anybody who likes their privacy as a dangerously unstable liberal tree-hugging political-correctness-bot, views the scanners as a "quantum leap forward." Everybody needs to be thoroughly scanned on an equal footing and, "that becomes a new way of thinking about efficiency and effectiveness," Mark said. Salter also says that passengers must embrace and understand any new security measure, which are only for the greater good after all. He further explains, "If you explain tot he public reasonably and rationally what the process is, and what the reason is for doing it, then people will not only comply but co-operate."



Well, I don't now about that, Mark. What would be the reasonable and rational explanation you would give to my 95-year-old Grandmother or my 22-year-old niece as to why they have to be looked at naked before being allowed on an airplane? I can't think of one, but here's a thought: it is possible that people are just leery of this new technology just because it is new and untested technology. How about, just to show that there is nothing to be worried about what if all the politicians and security "experts" who want, or are even just allowing, this new "security" stuff to happen, how about if they and their families (parents, spouses, kids, grandkids, etc.) all have the scans done, then have all those scans blown up into poster size and posted in every airport where this technology is being used? Then people could see that there is nothing to be worried about. It would be a prime example of just how tasteful and above-board all this stuff is. Why, all those people could even go to the gym for a couple of days before being scanned. That's more than fair.

Yeah, it is sort of a "put up or shut up" type of situation, because every time I hear someone say my personal privacy has to be invaded for my own good, I get real suspicious.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Germans are funny

Who says the Germans don’t have a sense of humour? It has been said that getting clobbered two world wars in a row knocked the funny-bone right out of the square-head psyche, but this is just a bunch of bull-poop (or ‘bull-püp’ as some really funny Germans might say.)

Recently in the Stuttgart Airport in Stuttgart, Germany, a 42-year-old German man repeatedly told security personnel, as a little joke, that his underwear (or “ünterpanties”) were loaded with explosives (he was riffing off a slightly less recent news item whereby a Nigerian man had tried to blow-up a US bound airliner, with explosives concealed in his underwear.) Naturally hilarity ensued and the security people took him into the back-room for a full body search.

Unfortunately the man, his wife and daughter all missed the flight you Egypt that they had been planning to take for a vacation, and the airline will not be refunding their tickets, and he will be paying a huge fine as well as maybe having to pay all police costs, but still, good joke, right? Ja ja!

It put me in mind of something I once read by Groucho Marx. He told the story about arriving back in the US after a trip to Europe back in the 1950s. He was filling out some paperwork for the US Customs officials and, as a joke, under “occupation” rather than “international movie star and funny guy” he wrote, “smuggler”. He said that he would never to that again. Apparently full cavity searches are not as much fun as one might think.

Anyway… Humouroceros