Vatican driving

The Vatican, in it’s never-ending crusade to stick it’s pop-veined nose into anything and everything, has released a document entitled: Guidelines for the Pastoral Case of the Road, which contains 10 commandments (how did they come up with that number?) on the does and don’ts (shalls and shall-nots) of driving an automobile.

The document covers road-rage and rude gestures (both bad), as well as respecting pedestrians and keeping a vehicle in good condition (both good). It also says that blasphemy while driving should be avoided but praying while driving is encouraged (I wonder about praying on a cell-phone while driving then blaspheming because you almost run into someone. Is that okay?).

Even though my own opinion that driving while under the influence of God should be avoided, this is probably a good document and your average good Catholic will probably take it to heart, and thereby stop driving like a maniac while blaspheming. That’s good, but I wonder if the Vatican might have done more good if they had taken the bull by the horns and released a document aimed at some priests (and you know who you are) with some commandments like; “thou shalt not molestest little kids” or maybe “thou shalt not get past first base with tykes”. Then we might have had something.

Anyway… Humouroceros

The Swiss Guard

The fellow above is one of the famed Swiss Guard in Vatican City. These dudes protect the Pope and are supposed to be guys you do not mess with. I had always thought that their uniforms were designed by Michelangelo, but this is not the case. They were actually designed by a member of the guards in the 20th century. My guess is that the designer was French and he probably didn’t have many girlfriends. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Bad Spock

Hey! Check this action out at http://badspock.blogspot.com/ It rocks, eh.

Anyway... Humouroceros

Arnie's Cuban stogie

Here’s something that hasn’t been getting a whole lot of play in the news, and I find that to be totally odd. The Governor of one of the most populous states in the Union commits a federal crime while traveling outside the United States. This crime is considered so heinous and foul by the US justice system that even when committed in another country, US citizens are subject to US law and can be sent to jail for up to ten years and fined as much as $1000000!

When you think about it, this is unprecedented. Theoretically, a US citizen can travel to some other country, rape nuns, molest children, sell drugs and guns to crazy people, then come home and all is forgiven. However, if this same person crosses the border into Canada and commits this one, certain crime, then WHAMM-O! The full might of the US justice system can come down on him and he can be prosecuted to THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW and be put in jail for up to ten years and in debt for life.

And what is this crime that in this case was committed by the Republican Governor of the great state of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger? While in Ontario, Canada, he bought and consumed a Cuban cigar! Oi!

It appears that back in the day, in the US attempt to bring well-known Communist, Fidel Castro, and his Communist regime in Cuba to it’s knees, the US began and embargo on all Cuban products, including cigars. This has been going on for nearly fifty years now and just as it looks as though this long-term embargo was about to bear fruit (the Cubans have not yet been brought to their knees, but they are crouching pretty good), the Governator (Arnie S) goes and buys a Cuban cigar, thus symbolically showing support for the Cuban Communist regime and giving props to Fidel and the boys.

Of course Herr Schwarzenegger is a cigar smoker from way back and, according to some, at one time was close with both Fidel Castro and Che Guevara (Agentinian Doctor and extreme revolutionary). As he began to dabble in US politics his handlers advised him to distance himself from his cigar-smoking pals, which he did. The old urges are still there however and Ontario he finally fell off the wagon and sucked on a cigaro Cubano (a Cuban cigar). Naughty boy.

The Royal Canadian Ministry of Sonic Monitoring released portions of a transcript recorded just before the Governator’s motorcade arrived at the tobacconists. Of the forty pages provided under the freedom-of-information act, only two are not completely blacked out. These two remaining pages themselves are heavily edited, but the following exchange can be made out. The Governor says something along the lines of, “If I must be in G**D*** Canada, I want a G**D*** F***ing Cuban cigar. A Paidiso!”

An Aide seems to respond, “But Governor. The purchase and use of a Cuban product by an American citizen, even in a third country is illegal. You could be fined and even jailed.”

It sounds like Governor S might say, “Listen here you little girly-man! I want a G**D*** Cuban cigar and I’m G**D*** going to have a G**D*** Cuban cigar. You little F**, are you going to turn me in? You G***! I’ll snap you like a P******* dry twig! Do you F***ing understand, you W****?”

The Aide appears to say, “Yes sir, but…”

It looks as though the Governor may have interrupted, “Here’s something else, you little T**! You’re going to buy me that F***ing cigar. How’s that sound? Then maybe you will be the one going to jail and you’re A** will be S******* from here to Kansas! How’s them apples, S*****?”

That is all that is clear but one thing that is clear is that Arnie did smoke a Cuban cigar and once again celebrity and political connections will keep a criminal out of jail. Huh.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Unretouched photos of Arnie and his cigar-smoking pals, back in the day.

This here's a story 'bout a girl named Paris

Paris Hilton; on September 7, 2006, bombed out of her little, tiny, brain, weaving all over Hollywood in her Mercedes when the police had the nerve to pull her over and cite her for being “drunk as a post”. Convicted of ‘reckless driving’ she is sentenced to 36 months probation (which includes a suspended drivers license), alcohol education, and $1500 in fines. On January 15 she is pulled over again and, being famous and all, she is given the benefit of the doubt and merely is asked to sign a document acknowledging that she is not to drive (it’s sort of a ‘whoopsy-daisy’ thing). On February 27 she is pulled over again and then, oddly enough, the hammer comes down. Superior Court Judge, Michael T “rope dance” Sauer sentences her to 45 days in lock-up for driving drunk and being stupid (mainly for being stupid). Her team of lawyers claim that poor Paris is actually being sent to jail for being a celebrity. This remains to be seen, but it was noticed that celebrities were thin on the ground for a while after the sentencing.

Paris Hilton’s sentence knocked back to 23 days for “good behavior”. It is admitted that a non-celebrity would actually have to go to jail and behave well before having his or her sentence reduced, but it’s not like Paris is your average drunk idiot. She is a celebrity drunk idiot. Her lawyers have scored a point. High-five!

Paris Hilton is released from jail after three days at 0200 hrs by Sheriff Lee Baca due to an undisclosed medical condition. She is told to serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest in her 2700 square foot Hollywood hills home and to wear a, like, totally unstylish electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. Celebrity watchers claim that the medical condition is a rash. One wonders how long until inmates across the country develop rashes and are also released. Charlie Manson (a celebrity in his own right) claims that his rash is driving him crazy and expects to be released at any time. Paris contacts the media and says that she hopes that people have learned from her horrible ordeal, because she hasn’t.

Paris Hilton ordered back before the original sentencing judge, who was not consulted on her release. He sends her back to jail, possibly for her original sentence. Paris is distraught and weeping, cries out to her mom “it’s just not right!” (to be held accountable for her own actions and decisions is just not right, apparently). Paris sulks for a while, not eating, not sleeping and full-on pouting, then announces to the media that she accepts her fate and she hopes that the media will stop focusing on her and report on the war in Iraq. The media says “the what in where?” One wag notes that she really wants the media so stop focusing on her so she can get out without anybody noticing, but this guy is a real cynic and can be safely ignored.

The saga continues.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Frankenstein

This is a copy of Eddie Van Halen's original, self-built guitar that he has named 'Frankenstein'. Loads of fans over the years have wanted to get a copy of this and now here it is. An exact copy built by EVH guitars and available for the crazy-low price of $25,000 (USD). Check out the web-site at http://www.musiciansfriend.com/product/EVH-Eddie-Van-Halen-Frankenstein-Replica-Electric-Guitar?sku=513703 and you better get in there quick. At this price these things are going to fly!

Anyway... Humouroceros

PS: You can also check out http://www.evh-guitars.com/ "for the serious collector"