Monday, June 11, 2007

This here's a story 'bout a girl named Paris

Paris Hilton; on September 7, 2006, bombed out of her little, tiny, brain, weaving all over Hollywood in her Mercedes when the police had the nerve to pull her over and cite her for being “drunk as a post”. Convicted of ‘reckless driving’ she is sentenced to 36 months probation (which includes a suspended drivers license), alcohol education, and $1500 in fines. On January 15 she is pulled over again and, being famous and all, she is given the benefit of the doubt and merely is asked to sign a document acknowledging that she is not to drive (it’s sort of a ‘whoopsy-daisy’ thing). On February 27 she is pulled over again and then, oddly enough, the hammer comes down. Superior Court Judge, Michael T “rope dance” Sauer sentences her to 45 days in lock-up for driving drunk and being stupid (mainly for being stupid). Her team of lawyers claim that poor Paris is actually being sent to jail for being a celebrity. This remains to be seen, but it was noticed that celebrities were thin on the ground for a while after the sentencing.

Paris Hilton’s sentence knocked back to 23 days for “good behavior”. It is admitted that a non-celebrity would actually have to go to jail and behave well before having his or her sentence reduced, but it’s not like Paris is your average drunk idiot. She is a celebrity drunk idiot. Her lawyers have scored a point. High-five!

Paris Hilton is released from jail after three days at 0200 hrs by Sheriff Lee Baca due to an undisclosed medical condition. She is told to serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest in her 2700 square foot Hollywood hills home and to wear a, like, totally unstylish electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. Celebrity watchers claim that the medical condition is a rash. One wonders how long until inmates across the country develop rashes and are also released. Charlie Manson (a celebrity in his own right) claims that his rash is driving him crazy and expects to be released at any time. Paris contacts the media and says that she hopes that people have learned from her horrible ordeal, because she hasn’t.

Paris Hilton ordered back before the original sentencing judge, who was not consulted on her release. He sends her back to jail, possibly for her original sentence. Paris is distraught and weeping, cries out to her mom “it’s just not right!” (to be held accountable for her own actions and decisions is just not right, apparently). Paris sulks for a while, not eating, not sleeping and full-on pouting, then announces to the media that she accepts her fate and she hopes that the media will stop focusing on her and report on the war in Iraq. The media says “the what in where?” One wag notes that she really wants the media so stop focusing on her so she can get out without anybody noticing, but this guy is a real cynic and can be safely ignored.

The saga continues.

Anyway… Humouroceros


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