Sunday, June 17, 2007

Arnie's Cuban stogie

Here’s something that hasn’t been getting a whole lot of play in the news, and I find that to be totally odd. The Governor of one of the most populous states in the Union commits a federal crime while traveling outside the United States. This crime is considered so heinous and foul by the US justice system that even when committed in another country, US citizens are subject to US law and can be sent to jail for up to ten years and fined as much as $1000000!

When you think about it, this is unprecedented. Theoretically, a US citizen can travel to some other country, rape nuns, molest children, sell drugs and guns to crazy people, then come home and all is forgiven. However, if this same person crosses the border into Canada and commits this one, certain crime, then WHAMM-O! The full might of the US justice system can come down on him and he can be prosecuted to THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW and be put in jail for up to ten years and in debt for life.

And what is this crime that in this case was committed by the Republican Governor of the great state of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger? While in Ontario, Canada, he bought and consumed a Cuban cigar! Oi!

It appears that back in the day, in the US attempt to bring well-known Communist, Fidel Castro, and his Communist regime in Cuba to it’s knees, the US began and embargo on all Cuban products, including cigars. This has been going on for nearly fifty years now and just as it looks as though this long-term embargo was about to bear fruit (the Cubans have not yet been brought to their knees, but they are crouching pretty good), the Governator (Arnie S) goes and buys a Cuban cigar, thus symbolically showing support for the Cuban Communist regime and giving props to Fidel and the boys.

Of course Herr Schwarzenegger is a cigar smoker from way back and, according to some, at one time was close with both Fidel Castro and Che Guevara (Agentinian Doctor and extreme revolutionary). As he began to dabble in US politics his handlers advised him to distance himself from his cigar-smoking pals, which he did. The old urges are still there however and Ontario he finally fell off the wagon and sucked on a cigaro Cubano (a Cuban cigar). Naughty boy.

The Royal Canadian Ministry of Sonic Monitoring released portions of a transcript recorded just before the Governator’s motorcade arrived at the tobacconists. Of the forty pages provided under the freedom-of-information act, only two are not completely blacked out. These two remaining pages themselves are heavily edited, but the following exchange can be made out. The Governor says something along the lines of, “If I must be in G**D*** Canada, I want a G**D*** F***ing Cuban cigar. A Paidiso!”

An Aide seems to respond, “But Governor. The purchase and use of a Cuban product by an American citizen, even in a third country is illegal. You could be fined and even jailed.”

It sounds like Governor S might say, “Listen here you little girly-man! I want a G**D*** Cuban cigar and I’m G**D*** going to have a G**D*** Cuban cigar. You little F**, are you going to turn me in? You G***! I’ll snap you like a P******* dry twig! Do you F***ing understand, you W****?”

The Aide appears to say, “Yes sir, but…”

It looks as though the Governor may have interrupted, “Here’s something else, you little T**! You’re going to buy me that F***ing cigar. How’s that sound? Then maybe you will be the one going to jail and you’re A** will be S******* from here to Kansas! How’s them apples, S*****?”

That is all that is clear but one thing that is clear is that Arnie did smoke a Cuban cigar and once again celebrity and political connections will keep a criminal out of jail. Huh.

Anyway… Humouroceros


Unretouched photos of Arnie and his cigar-smoking pals, back in the day.

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