Saturday, September 30, 2006

Guarding the border 3

Well if that don’t beat all. Back in July I posted a couple of Blogs regarding the proposed security fence that some United Stations would like to have built along their southern and northern borders, the northern of which was once known as ‘the longest undefended border in the world’. I, apparently still being stuck in the oldthink paradigm of a fence being a physical wall of some sort, suggested first; a giant concrete sort of affair, and second; a folksy, laser armed white picket fence. I should have known better. Those pointy headed folks down in the Department of Homeland Security are not there merely because they are spiffy dressers and have fabulous hair. There are some bright sparks working in the Homeland Security bunker and in their bright sparkish sort of way they have come up with a concept that I had not even considered; an invisible, or a ‘virtual’, fence.

This is great stuff. For a very reasonable price (about $2,5000,000,000.00 or so and that's a lot of 0's) a system of motion sensors, radar, tower mounted cameras, guard towers and drone flyers will be set up along the northern and southern borders. Eighteen hundred guard towers are to be set up, divided equally along both borders which means, if math is anything to go by, that there will be nine hundred, World War II, POW camp style towers along the Canada/US border (actually right now there are some pretty ferocious debates going on at the H.S. bunker. Some want German POW camp style towers while others are advocating for Japanese Internment camp style towers. The debate becomes quite passionate at times and there are stories of hair pullings and eye pokings .) This huge number of towers is expected to let the terrorist hoards littering the Canadian landscape know that they are not welcome in the United States. It is estimated that the tower mounted cameras will be able to see twenty kilometers in to Canadian territory which will come in handy should a bunch of terrorists decide to whip across the border en mass for some quick terrorist activities. The tower guards will have time to put bullets into their guns (or however you make those things work) and they will be ready.

One place where my plans definitely had a flaw was when it came to the Great Lakes. The Canada/US border passes through some of the lakes making a physical fence kind of unpractical. No problemo, say the clever dicks at Homeland Security. The United States Coast Guard has begun to patrol the lakes, screaming back and forth in their custom built speedboats, spraying huge sheets of water into the air and spraying even huger amounts of bullets every which way. There have been twenty-four live-fire drills since the start of the year, with more planned, and thirty-four top-secret permanent live-fire zones have been set up. They are top-secret because; A – you don’t want the terrorists to know where they are and; 2 – if you accidentally blow apart a fishing boat or a pleasure craft, it’s nice to have an excuse.

Some bleeding hearts have pointed out that this goes against a ninety year old treaty forbidding weapons on the Great Lakes, as well as going against an even older treaty dating back to the War of 1812 forbidding military weapons on the lakes. Get a grip people, do you think the terrorist navy worries about treaties like that? In recognition of this fact both Homeland Security and the Coast Guard dismiss these complaints as pro-terrorist nonsense. As Coast Guard spokesman, Chief Petty Officer Robert Lanier points out, “We’re trying to be prepared in case something happens. I don’t know what it is, but I know I want to be prepared for it when it happens. We need to conduct these live-fire exercises so we are prepared for whatever it may be.” He then added, with what sounded like an understandable amount of regret, “We don’t have any cannons or rocket launchers or anything like that.” Good point.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Proposed guard tower with the new 'Banner Of Friendship' at the Guard Tower Testing Facility in Manzanar, California, USA

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