Wednesday, September 20, 2006

"Crop Circles"

Lately there has been more news regarding what the media insist on calling ‘crop circles’ but which are actually called ‘agriformian communiforms’. A local farmer found one in his cornfield in August while he was out flying in his ultra-light aircraft. “I looked down,” he says, “and there it was, just as big as heck and just as round. Sure beats the dickens out of me!” Therein lies the crux of this phenomenon.

Agriformian communiforms have existed for millions of years and there is compelling evidence that prehistoric cave-farmers were finding them way back at the dawn of time. Of course at that time the communiforms were of the most basic design and while still circular in shape, they tended to be slightly oval. Roman farmers frequently found agriformian communiforms in their grape fields although they tended to blame either unruly slaves or the Huns for making them. They had a name for them but it looks to be in some foreign language and can be safely ignored.

During the middle-ages there were reports or Monks finding agriformian communiforms in their fields. As is usual with Monks they just assumed that there was some sort of Diabolical explanation and their usual defense was to pray more, go to bed earlier, rise earlier, pray even more, eat less, and pound the old vino like there was no tomorrow. Oddly enough even with all of this activity the communiforms kept appearing.

In the 1970s after a large number of increasingly complicated communiforms appeared in England, a couple of ‘lads’ or ‘guys’ came forward claiming to be the ones who had created the communiforms as a hoax. These ‘hoaxers’ said that they would go out at night and with the use of a length of rope, a four foot plank, a battery powered umbrella and a couple of ‘crates of beer’ they would make a communiform in less than fifteen minutes. The obvious answer to this is that as these boys were self confessed hoaxers, or ‘liars’, then why should anyone believe them. To quote another drunken buffoon, Homer Simpson; “D’oh!”

In fact all the evidence suggests that communiforms are increasingly frantic attempts by an inter-stellar alien race to communicate with mankind. Over the millennia as mankind has become more sophisticated and able to toss aside the needs of a less advanced civilization (needs such as pyramids and opposable thumbs). One can almost sense the rising frustration levels as these attempts are not being responded to.

Some would ask how we can be expected to respond to questions we don’t even understand, and had the communiforms not actually been translated this would be a god question rather than merely a stupid one. In July, 2006 Professor Barnyard F Waterfowl BS, MBS, EMBS, of the Canadian Institute of the Theoretical Sciences produced a pamphlet entitled, This Is What They Are Saying, which is easily available if you know where to find it. In this pamphlet he provides a detailed translation of what the communiforms have been saying since they were first found. After years of painstaking research and deduction the professor has concluded the extra-terrestrial message to be; “Pluto is so a planet!”

This astonishing message has been taken by some to mean that extra-terrestrials do not think that Pluto should have been downgraded from planet to dwarf-planet (or ‘little-person-planet’), and apparently they have been trying to tell mankind this for a very long time. Since before mankind even discovered Pluto in fact. This begs the question, how did they know? The only logical answer is that since they are aliens they can see into the future. This would be an alien sort of thing to be able to do.

I hope this has cleared up any confusion regarding the so-called ‘crop circles’.

Anyway… Humouroceros

Artists rendering of the Porkins Agriform found near Porkins On Porkins, Porkinshire, England, May 1976

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