Tuesday, July 04, 2006

West Nile Virus

I was out at my parents a few weeks back, scratching around in the dust and fixing the rear brakes on the Jeep (I find that when a retracting spring snaps it causes a whole bunch of damage really fast) and I couldn’t help but notice all the mosquitoes landing on me to suck my blood before bugging off to do whatever it is that mosquitoes do when they’re off duty. Oddly enough it was just then that they interrupted the radio show I was listening to (Thrash Afternoons Extreme Mosh) so that some know-it-all pseudo-celebrity could waste five minutes of my life with some pithy remarks about that West Nile Virus. I listened to it all because it is possible that information that you don’t have can kill you and afterwards I thought it is well worth considering the Killer Bee situation from about thirty years ago.

As we all know Killer Bees were a genetically modified insect consisting of equal parts common honey bee and P.O.ed African attack bee. They were created by ex-Nazi psychopath Joseph Mengele on the banks of the Amazon in sunny Brazil. One summer evening in either the late 60’s or the early 70’s they were ‘accidentally’ released (as recreated in the book, movie and Broadway musical, ‘The Boys From Brazil’) and they spent the next fifteen years or so slowly making their way north, stopping at all the tourist hotspots and camping whenever they darn well pleased. Some time in the mid 1980’s as they were set to enter either the US or Canada (or the US via Canada) they magically all disappeared.

It’s a mystery that haunted the Internet and all the popular conspiracy periodicals for decades until recently declassified documents from the US Air-force Project Bluebook files show that beginning in early 1984 huge mesh nets were set up along the US/Mexico border and for months on end hundreds of thousands of Killer Bees were trapped. They were then stored in the Klinksgate Caverns in New Mexico where they were trained as couriers and in counter-insurgency technique. In 1991 several served with distinction in US fifth-column units during Gulf War I earning the country’s highest decorations for insect bravery.

The same cannot be said of the mosquitoes carrying the West Nile Virus. In fact several of the more ‘off the wall’, or ‘nuts’, right-wing commentators currently polluting the airwaves have even claimed a connection between mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus and the high command of the terrorist organization Al-Qaida. Be that as it may it must be admitted that the death toll from West Nile is going up faster than a shark going after a seal. In reaction to this obviously upsetting fact I have come up with a plan of action that should if not eradicate the scourge, it should make things better and more comfortable for those of us who live in paradise.

I propose that some sort of international organization, such as the UN or the US armed services, take some time out of their busy schedules and figure out how to wipe out every last mosquito on earth. A radical idea, to be sure, but one that will virtually stop the West Nile Virus in its tracks. Admittedly there are those who will express some concern regarding how mosquitoes, as annoying as they may be, are a vital part of the circle of life and how there are little birds out there who depend on mosquitoes for food and in a mosquito-free world these little birds would suffer some hardship. I don’t really see how this is my problem though. I don’t owe anything to some stupid little birds and I have to be honest here. There have been times when an extra ten bucks would have made the day go a bit better and there was no way some cheapskate little bird was going to give it to me. So that, plus the fact that I should be able to sit outside with a coffee and a good book without losing a quart or two of blood and dying into the bargain makes things quite clear to me. In the words of Darth Sidious, “Wipe them out. All of them.”

Anyway… Humouroceros

The West Nile Virus Mosquito


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