Friday, July 14, 2006

Guarding the border 1

Gentlemen; it has come to my attention that the current Presidential Administration in your country appears to be so afraid of the rest of the world that they are doing their level best to cut your country off from the rest of the world. Not that this is a new feeling on your part, if I read my history right. As I recall the US was in no hurry to join in World War I (seeing it as a European problem) or even in World War II (since that Hitler guy wasn’t all that bad really, was he?) Since then the US has only entered world affairs when feeling threatened economically, or when Communism was involved. At least up until recently. But hey, fair enough.

The latest I’m hearing out of your country though is a little odd. As I understand it, you will be requiring that all visitors to your country must have a passport or some sort of identification card to get in. And even odder, any US citizen who travels outside the homeland will need a US passport to get back in to the US. What, are you kidding? Identification? Any terrorist with half a brain could fake this sort of stuff with a second-hand computer and a cheap printer. If you really, honestly want to keep the rest of the world at bay, I suggest you consider building a wall.

I’m not talking about some scabby little unit like what you’re putting along the Mexican border either. A chain link fence is okay for around a schoolyard or to enclose a dog run, but to keep the terrorist hoards from ravaging your country? Get serious. Even that cement thing the Israelis are building to enrage the Palestinians is kind of lame. One decent sized car bomb or I.E.D. (Improvised Explosive Device) and a big chunk of that wall is busted. There’s your security right there.

Gentlemen, I say if you’re going to do this thing, do it right. To start, I suggest a six inch tritanium solid core with vent plugs every four feet or so. On each side of this, three quarter needle pin reinforcing bar with a four inch cross pattern, gamma welded together (this could even be double layered for added security and durability.) This would all be encased in perma-crete, making the final wall about eighteen inches wide. It should be about thirty feet tall, traveling the full length of both north and south international borders.

This is a good start but in this crazy new world we must consider the ingenuity and the sheer animal cunning of your modern terrorist. These people will stop at nothing so I believe that in order to deter spontaneous or unplanned acts of terror you should make it difficult to even approach the wall. Wild animal runs, crocodile moats, quicksand pits, shark infested lakes, why you can let your minds run riot. A decently facilitated brainstorming session should give you enough ideas to make it very nearly impossible to get within a half mile of the wall.

Next you should plan for the full-on, well trained terrorist. These guys are not part-timers, they are hardcore and getting to the wall will be difficult but not impossible for them. I suggest a twenty foot ponji-stick pit next to the wall (ponji-sticks with the usual festering substances spread on them as used by the Viet-Cong during your country’s Asian adventure in Viet Nam), and a razor wire ‘film’ placed on both sides of the wall. At the top of the wall should be a crushed glass layer with a ten foot high micro-fiber mesh net. Try to climb that and any terrorist will lose fingers.

This wall as described should provide adequate protection for the lower forty-eight states quite nicely. As regards Alaska and Hawaii, I wouldn’t worry too much about Alaska (unless you get the oil drilling going there) since it is kind of cold and terrorists are generally a warm weather animal. As far as Hawaii, why not just give it to Canada? The Hawaiians already have a Commonwealth flag as part of their state flag, so they’re pretty much half way there already. With Hawaii out of the picture it would be one less thing for you guys to worry about, and besides, everybody likes Canadians so it would also be one less thing for the Hawaiians to worry about (in an emergency we could even hide the islands in the Hudson Bay or something.) Sounds like a win/win situation to me. Something to think about anyway. Thank you for listening.

Anyway… Humouroceros


Artists imaginative conception of the Wall

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