Sunday, February 04, 2007

The longest undefended border in the world 10

I think this is important, John. Please read it carefully. Thank-you.

Boris Goodentoff – KGB Grad photo – circa 1978

Boris Goodentoff: Mysteriously reclusive owner of the Canada West Maple Syrup Collective, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Goodentoff Enterprises. The C.W.M.S.C. is the largest exporter of maple syrup west of Quecec and is second in size in North America only to La Groves de les Maples Formidable Inc. out of Bec, Quebec. The C.W.M.S.C. is the owner of the largest maple syrup pipe line in the world which runs from the massive maple groves of northern British Columbia, over the Tommy Hunter Saddleback, down to the border with the United States. The B.T. Overdrive pipeline brings the unrefined syrup to the border town of Bender’s Aboot where it is refined and casked for export.

B T Overdrive maple syrup pipeline

Boris Goodentoff himself is very difficult to get information on. The little I have been able to discover with an ultra-dedicated Google search indicates that he was born in Mypoopzfrozin, Siberia in the late 1950’s or the early 1960’s to underemployed manure haulers. He appears to have been a precocious child and his unusual energy (unusual, that is, for the Soviet Union) came to the attention of the village Commissar (or zanpolit), Ivan Sonovavitch. Ivan had the young Boris taken to Moscow for official Soviet assessment and he was entered into the High Achievers Training program of the Pioneers (a Soviet youth group). In 1972 he was transferred to the infamously top-secret training facility, Potemkin Village to be trained as a spy in the west. Indications are that he graduated with honours in 1978 whereupon he was vested as a full Colonel in the KGB and then he was assigned to work a sleeper network in the United States.

How Boris spent his time in the US is unclear as he did a fine job of keeping ‘under the radar’ but there are signs that at different times he worked as a sanitation engineer in Washington, DC, and later he appears to have done some work for the domestic surveillance division of the NSA (the National Security Agency). In 1991 (the year that Communist rule died in Russia) he was employed as the lead mime at the Circ d’Humidité Ambiante based out of Paris, Texas.

At the time one would assume that Boris was torn. On one hand as a good Russian lad he would have wanted to go home and help out. On the other hand, with the KGB effectively no longer an organ of terror, to return to a land that was possibly about to be torn apart by civil war would have been silly. On the other hand Boris probably realized that if Russia turned into a democracy then “as a gesture of friendship” it was possible that they would turn over their spy lists to the US government and he would have been under no illusions as to how he would have been treated as a spy, even a former one, so he lit out for the border, and being a Siberian he headed north.

Once Boris hit the Great White North he apparently decided that he would have to make his own way and so he started his own business. A little bit of study showed that one thing that Canadians liked (not counting hockey, beer, and saying ‘zamboni’ to unsuspecting foreigners) was maple syrup. With his last few hundreds of thousands of dollars he bought the finest maple stands in all of northern British Columbia, and the rest is history.

Oddly enough it turned out that the boy from the frozen steppes of Siberia in the Soviet Union had a real flair for business, which is something that would have totally appalled his Communist indoctrinators. Everything he attempted in the maple syrup game worked and his profits were huge. Boris bought Hump Island on Whale Lake near Bender’s Aboot and built Castle Tarkin, which serves as his home and his corporate HQ. From there he watched as the liquid gold flowed to the refineries and then on into the United States. Money flowed back.

Now John, you are probably wondering why I’m giving you the what-who’s and the why-fores of this Canadian success story, and I’ll tell you. The property on both sides of the hi-way where my headlight was shot out is owned by Goodentoff Enterprises. I’ll get back to you when I have more to report.

Anyway… Humouroceros


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