Friday, July 03, 2009

The Ark of the Covenant revealed(ish)!

Hizzonour Patriarch Abuna Pauolos

According to the journalistic aces of the Italian news-service, Adnkronos, the leader of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church, Patriarch Abuna Pauolos planned to “unveil” the Ark of the Covenant last week on Friday, June 26, 2009. The report claimed that Patriarch Pauolos said, “Soon the world will be able to admire the Ark of the Covenant described in the Bible as the container of the tablets of the law that God delivered to Moses.”

The 26th came and went and then on June 28th Patriarch Pauolos announced, “No, the Ark is not going to be revealed. Nobody could touch it. If you do so, God will smite you.” Well golly, nobody wants to get all smited upside the head now, do they? Especially by God, but the question remains, does the Patriarch of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church actually know where the Ark is, or is he just a publicity-hog?

According to archeologist Bob Cornuke, who has been described as a “real-life Indiana Jones” (except that he uses a slap-stick rather than a whip, and he doesn’t wear a hat, or a leather jacket, and he likes snakes), “They (the Ethiopian Orthodox Church) either have the Ark of the Covenant or they have a replica that they have believed to be the Ark of the Covenant for 2000 years.”

So maybe the Ethiopian Orthodox Church has the Ark, and maybe they don’t, in either event it may be instructive at this point to review a short history of the Ark of the Covenant. First off it is important not to confuse the Ark of the Covenant with that other famous ark, Noah’s Ark. It is true that there are many similarities between the two; their names rhyme for one (Ark ~ Ark) and neither contained dinosaurs, unicorns or hefalumps. In this case however it is probably best to focus on their differences. Noah’s Ark was built some 900-years before the Ark of the Covenant was even a gleam in Moses’s eye, and Noah’s Ark was slightly larger than the Ark of the Covenant being about 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits (a cubit is a variable length generally divided into seven palms of four digits). The Ark of the Covenant was a svelte 2 cubits 3 palms and 2 digits by 1 cubit 3 palms and 2 digits by 1 cubit 3 palms 2 digits and a pink fuzzy one.

The Ark of the Covenant was built by Moses to hold the original stone tablets upon which were written the 10-commandments. Actually the Ark contained the original stone tablets as well as the second set which were produced when the first set got broken (typical guy, that Moses. He couldn’t even throw away something that was broken.) For centuries afterward the Ark spent a lot of time in transit, first being placed in the temple of Dagon in Ashdod. That particular temple soon had the living daylights smited out of it and Ashdod was destroyed with a holy plague. The Ark was brought to Jerusalem and placed in a specially constructed temple, but Jerusalem was later attacked and destroyed by the Babylonians and the Ark was on the road again. There are reports that the Ark spent some time in the palace of the king of the Babylonians (King Cacapoopalot, if you believe that sort of thing) where it was used as a coffee table of some description.

Later tales place the Ark in many areas of the “Holy Land”, areas that generally got invaded by plagues, poisonous toads and other “natural” disasters and by the early 300s of the common era the Ark disappeared from all histories. There were stories of course. The Ark would be reported helping a little old lady cross a busy street, or lifting a child over a raging river, but by and large these stories are considered pretty unlikely, if not actually completely silly.

The most reliable (heh, yeah, reliable) sources claim that the Ark was placed in a deep crypt in the Egyptian city of Tanis, which was later destroyed by a sand-storm lasting an entire year. Of course many stories of similar reliability place the Ark in; Herdewyke in Warwickshire, England, or inside the Hill of Tara in Ireland and even in the care of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church (and here’s a funny story; There are, once again, reliable reports that at the end of the Ethiopian civil-war in 1991 a hardcore cadre of Mossad operatives, including several specially trained Levites, went into Ethiopia and came out with the Ark and it is now stored in Israel. Cool, right?)

So does the Patriarch Pauolos even have access to the Ark? Who is to say but at least he got his picture in the paper for a couple of days, and that has to be worth something.

Anyway… Humouroceros

An actual artists drawing of what the Ark of the Covenant is suspected to look like.

Another actual drawing, this time of Noah's Ark. Notice the subtle differences between Noah's Ark and the Ark of the Covenant


Anonymous Simon said...

The Ethiopians really believe in it, and the don't careabout proving it to the outside world.

9:24 am  
Blogger jacob said...

Why should anyone care about this fake Ark of the Covenant when a much more important holy relic has already been discovered in Stephan Huller's book, the Real Messiah:

Huller went to Venice and proved that the Throne of St. Mark in the Basilica San Marco dates to the beginning of Christianity. His book proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christianity started in Egypt and derives its teachings from the worship of Isis, Osiris and the pagan gods of Egypt.

This is a real historical object, i.e. it is not a fake. You can see it with your own two eyes the next time you go to Italy. It is also being made into a TV documentary for a US Cable network.

Again, why waste your time with this 'Ark of the Covenant' nonsense when it is completely fake.

The book costs about $18 but you can get it sometimes for less than that. Maybe if you are still sitting on the fence check out his blog instead at

It's really cool.


6:41 pm  
Blogger humouroceros said...

Man, did anybody else notice that the "angels" on the Ark look like the symbol from "The Saint"? Peace love and understanding, guys. Your friend; H

9:38 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Please stop in
Please refer to someone incharged fitted whatever doctrine you are. This is an exceptionally distinguished essence fitted all mankind.


4:02 am  
Blogger humouroceros said...

Absolutely! Peace, love and understanding. H

3:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sign of The Almighty's arrival: A face in the sky video

12:34 pm  
Blogger humouroceros said...

The Almighty has arrived? Give me a minute to get the dishes done! Peace, love and understanding; your friend, H

8:35 pm  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home